5/8 Stripping away the unnecessary

Day off.

Renunciation, it turns out, is at least partially a process of letting go things that are not needed.  Bikram emphasizes this quite a bit in our practice.  Bit by bit, we try to do without all the little things we think we need for comfort:  our little fidgeting, wiping sweat off our bodies, adjusting our towels, drinking too much water, bending forward to gasp for air.  Even in an environment where there are no props, where we are basically naked, and there is little external distraction, even there it is so easy to invent "needs". 

It turns out that stripping away what's not needed may be a pretty good idea in general.  This one is a bit tough for me.  I've been a collector at heart for many years.  If I decide I like a musician, for example, it is easy for me to get obsessed with getting everything the musician has recorded.  Same goes for books, for camera lenses, etc... It's so easy to invent needs, and easy to take comfort from Shakespeare's "O reason not the need..." speech from King Lear.  But then, Lear's needs ultimately forced him into a lonely, mad death.  So as much sense as his speech may have made, it didn't lead to any good result.  Maybe there's a message there.

In some ways, instead of being like Lear, I think this passage makes me think of myself as being more like Steve Martin at the end of The Jerk, where he's lost his fortune, his wife and everything else and says he doesn't need any of it.  And with the ease of google, I found it:

And that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.

So, I understand what Gates is driving at.  In my practice, I've even made some strides in this direction.  And, to a certain extent, I've done the same at home.  For example, a couple of months ago I gave away about seven boxes of books.  Thus, I feel it safe to declare that I don't need any of my day to day trappings ... except this ashtray...

5/7 Changing the World One Camel at a Time - Redux

8:15 with Amy

Great class tonight.  I felt really with it all the way through, and pushed harder than usual through standing series -- so hard that I had to sit out one set of Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee.  Everything just felt right today.  The class was smallish, with 10 people, but everyone had really strong practices and the energy was very high.  

Amy's exuberance and enthusiasm was also refreshing.  It's been a while since I've had her class.  She has a natural effervescence that is infectious.  So even though her classes tend to be on the hard side, they usually wind up being very satisfying.

Several months back I made a post called Changing the World One Camel at a Time.  It was in response to some things that Lenette said.  Basically how each posture brings with it the opportunity to improve your attitude about the world, and how the world of the happy man is different from the world of an unhappy man.  So, by doing your yoga, you basically get the power to change your world, from the inside out.

Today's passage reminds me of that.  There are three basic points here:  First, heal yourself before you start to heal others.  That happiness and joy are naturally contagious:  happy people tend to make others happy as well, and vice versa.  And finally, that yoga is the means by which you can heal yourself.  Every step on any of the eight limbs of yoga will naturally increase your own happiness and peace of mind, which in turn will spread to others.

The philosophy major/critic wants to pull apart these ideas, largely because there are so many ways that a person can fool himself about the direction he's moving in.  So how would you know that you are going the right way.  The great thing about yoga is that it's almost purely practical.  You just do it, and things get better.  There's no need to be hyper-critical, because the test is whether its working.  

The last nine months have given me ample proof that, at least so far, it works.  I'm happier than I've been in a long time.  I am much less prone to argue just for the sake of arguing.  I am more likely to be helpful with friends or strangers.  And there is absolutely no arguing with how much better I feel because of the physical benefits.  And I still feel like I've just touched the tip of a very deep iceberg.   So I see no point in being critical about this passage.  It's so much easier to tell someone just to try it and see.  If they don't see, that's too bad for them.  But there really is no need to convince anyone about this with argument.   The practice proves itself, especially after a class like tonight's, where everything seems absolutely right.

4/6 Practice and Renunciation

8:30 am with Danielle

Class was mostly good.  I'm making gradual progress in Fixed Firm and on my left hamstring in the final stretches.  Balancing was better, but my toe was still bothering me.  For the most part, I kept a pretty good focus.  But there were times when I caught myself planning my day.  I don't usually have that problem in the morning.  But for some reason, early on, my mind was prone to wandering.  I settled down somewhere in the balancing series and things got better from there.

Today's passage puzzled me.  Gates talks about practice and renunciation.  One point he makes I think is exactly on target.   If you plan to renounce something, and then don't back up the plan with clear action (practice), then you are almost bound to fail.  This seems pretty obvious to me.

Another point he makes has become clear to me more recently.  He says that habits that seem to drop out of your life when you start yoga may not actually be quite so hard to break.  The practice by itself may not be enough to break the old, bad habits.  I dropped a bunch of weight when I started Yoga, simply because I had, sort of miraculously, found out that sometimes I wasn't hungry when there was food before me.  I also drank lots more water, and didn't snack so much.  But I didn't do any of this with any conscious effort.  Gradually, I've found myself slipping into some old habits as I've gotten more used to the yoga practice.  I'm not leaving stuff on my plate as often, and I am snacking more often.  It hasn't had any ill effect yet, but I can see that it might.  So, here is an example where the practice might have to come together with some kind of renunciation.

On the flip side, I deliberately gave up soda last February.  I think the yoga practice has helped me keep this commitment.  And I also tend to think that I haven't slipped here because I made a clear commitment not to do it anymore.

Now, for what puzzles me.  Yesterday, the idea was not to focus on being negative.  In some ways, renunciation seems to me to be a very negative idea.  I'm thinking of the "If thy eye offends thee, then pluck it out" sort of renunciation.   So yesterday, I was stoked by the idea that you just ignore your bad habits, and focus on the positive, and the bad stuff melts away.   Now I see a different message, and one that shows there is hard work ahead.  Maybe it wouldn't sound so negative if Gates used the other word he says is a substitute: non-attachment.   Committing to non-attachment seems much more neutral (but also less active) than renunciation.  I guess the trick here is to learn how to renounce some bad habit or attitude without also beating yourself up, or punishing yourself, over it.  

3/5 Accentuate the Positive

Day Off

Today's lesson is to redirect towards positive actions whenever you catch yourself doing anything negative.  Gate's says its a kind of universal prescription when you find yourself going astray.

The Gershwin song says "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, don't mess with Mr. In-between."  But that's not right.  Instead, Gates says to accentuate the positive, and just don't mess with the negative or Mr. In-between.  Acknowledge it, and let it pass by.

The thing to avoid is beating yourself up.  It's productive of anything.  That's why I'm not chastising myself for not going to class today.  Or did I just do that, by mentioning it?

The odd thing is that for people, we consider this idea to be kind of unique and spiritual.  And yet, its entirely second nature now in the world of animal training and positive reinforcement.  My sisters would reduce this idea to:  "You get the behavior you reward."  You get positive behaviors from animals by consistently rewarding it.  And you get rid of negative behavior by ignoring it.  And the way to stop an animal from doing something you don't like, but it finds rewarding, is to redirect its energy to something it finds even more rewarding.  Punishments have gone out of style because they are less effective, and because they tend to kill the relationship between the trainer and the animal.

So, it looks like what works for animals could work for people as well.  I'm not surprised.  And taking my side of the analogy a step further:  if punishing an animal can kill your relationship with it, then just imagine what we do to ourselves when we punish ourselves over little things.  

Gates also talks about how he learned to redirect his energies to the positive by asking "How can I help?" instead of "What's in it for me?"  This is a great idea as well, though I suspect there are many other ways to redirect energies in a positive way.  What strikes me is that the nature of the question he decided to use seems to have determined his later direction in life.  He started asking "How can I help?" and became a teacher.  Pretty interesting.

3/4 -- Keep Paddling

2:30 pm with Miranda

The room was really crowded today.  We had 45 in class, which may be a record, at least while I was there.  In some ways, its amazing how little difference a crowded room makes.  By the time we get to Eagle, there is me, the person on each side, and one or two people behind me.  Then there are shapes of bodies, and for the most part, that's all the other people in class register as.  And of course, there's Miranda's voice, coming from above, so that I can't even really keep track of where she is in the room, since her voice always comes from the same place.

The new wrinkle in today's class came from a new injury.  Not a yoga injury, but a sheer stupidity injury.  Getting into the shower this morning, I jammed my toe pretty badly.  I didn't realize that it was so bad until I took my sock off going into class.  The middle toe on the right foot is about twice it's normal size, and a nice shade of violet.  When I tried to wiggle it, I thought it might be broken.  It isn't, I don't think.  But it doesn't feel very good.

It had some strange effects on the practice.  I almost fell down in half moon.  That was fun.  I had no idea that I was grabbing so much with my toes to keep my balance in the side bends.  Balancing on the right foot was a bit tricky.  Going up on my toes in awkward was not pleasant.  But all that was basically manageable, until Rabbit.  I also was not that aware of how tightly I wrap the towel around my feet in the set-up.  This was the only thing in the whole class that actually caused some real pain -- go figure.  Otherwise, it was a fairly solid class.

Gates talks about three things that really grabbed my attention today.  First, he says that the mat is a place where it's OK to let go of control.  Zeb used to say at the beginning of class "my mind and your body"  and I think he may have been getting at something similar.  This is tough for me to do.  To me, it seems a bit contrary to the idea that we are seeking to unify body and mind.  It seems counter-intuitive that the way to link mind and body is to let go of the mind.  But then, on matters like this, what do I know.

The other part of this that's a bit troubling is: How do you let go?  Here it's a bit like talking about faith.  I've never been convinced that a person can simply choose to believe something.  Nor is it obvious to me that it is a simple matter just to choose to give up control.  In this way, I think the dialogue might be a big help.  I may not be able, right now, to just lose control.  But I'm perfectly happy to let someone else steer the ship for awhile, and maybe that's a start.

Gates says yoga is like a river, and our mats are like canoes.  If you hit whitewater, keep paddling.  If you get into still pools, keep paddling.  Here the idea is simple, and its something I've said before.  The cure for most of the ills that yoga causes seems to be more yoga.  The best way to get out of a rut in yoga practice is by doing more yoga.  So, here is advice that I've already discovered on my own.  But I like the way he puts it:  keep paddling.

Finally this from a Hopi elder:  "[W]e are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves, for the moment we do that, our spiritual growth comes to a halt."  Lenette is fond of Bikram telling people to kill themselves in class.  The idea being that you kill your self (ego) so that you can discover a truer self.  Gates asks us to give up control, which I think is a way of losing yourself in what you are doing.  And the Hopi elder says to take nothing personally.  All three point in the same direction, and the direction is clear.  But even so, I still feel a bit as though there is a signpost on a road leading towards a river, but the bridge is out.

2/3 -- Everything, all the time

9:30 am with Danielle

It was a hot class today, and crowded.  I was running on too little sleep, a little less than 6 hours, and also a bit dehydrated.  Despite that, I felt pretty good through the standing series.  Then I began to wear down in the floor series, which is a bit unusual.  My mat was in an area with no circulation, and somewhere around Cobra I started to just feel hot.  It wasn't quite oppressive, but I also could not just let the heat wash away either, and it stuck with me through the end.  The biggest outward sign, I think, was that I came out of one of the Rabbit poses too early.

Today's passage confirms what I was thinking yesterday, but in an even broader way than I had thought.  Not only is the path not linear, but Gates says when we are doing yoga we are always pushing are way down each of the eight paths at once.  Thus, every posture involves or can involve breathing, concentration, meditation, etc...  Not only that, but Gates insists that we can take what we learn from the "lab" of our mat, and bring it to every part of our life.  

Thus, in the end, we come to practice yoga always, in all things.  It's a great thought.  But, honestly, on days like today I'm thankful if I'm practicing some part of yoga through short stretches of the class.  And when class is tough, it can be that much tougher to just let it wash over you that the person in front of you at the express line has 30 items, a bunch of coupons, and is going to write a check but not have the check cashing card in her wallet.  Part of me understands the theory, but I'm more and more beginning to see why it's a practice.  And for now, its little things, sometimes.  And perhaps with more application, it will grow into something closer to everything all the time.

1/2 - Action to Knowledge to Liberation

6:30 pm class with Miranda

For the new year, and the new plan for this blog, I decided to start a new running count.  In part, this will help me keep track of which day I'm on in Meditations from the Mat.  So from that standpoint, it's purely practical.  But it also shows a new beginning, which is kind of what I'm after anyways.

For anyone who wants to keep a running tally from the beginning of the first 60 day challenge, just remember to add 169/195 to the new tally.  169 and 195 are easy numbers to remember, so there shouldn't be much problem for anyone keeping score.

Class was fun today.  The heat was way up, starting about 106, but it came down a bit during the class, and it just sort of melted through me.  Class went quickly, and I worked hard while keeping my smiling happy face for the most part.  I felt better in Balancing series than I have in a while.  The back strengthening was good, if still painful.  I'll know I've really hit onto something good when I start looking forward to those four poses.

Today's passage outlined the eight spokes of traditional yoga.  Four are spirituality in action:  the yamas, niyamas, asanas, and pranayama.  The yamas and niyamas are kind of like the yoga analog to the ten commandments.  Asanas and pranayama are the obvious stuff that goes on in class.  These are the more physical, and accessible, aspects of yoga.

The other four spokes are pratayahana, dharana, dhyana and samadhi.  The first is drawing inward, the second is a kind of concentration, the third is meditation, and the last is union with the object of meditation, enlightenment, oneness.  As near as I can tell, and that's not very much, I think the last part is basically ineffable and a bit mystical. 

Again there are two parts today that especially struck me.  First, Gates says that following this eightfold path leads one from action to knowledge to liberation.  If so, then I'm definitely on the "action" side of this route right now.  But its pretty clear to me that this is not a linear course.   I think, from time to time, I get some glimmering of understanding about what I'm doing and why.  And I've even occaisonally, as I noted yesterday, had a few classes, or parts of classes, where time seemed to vanish and everything seemed right.  I'm assuming that that's a part of what Gate's means by liberation.  And as I said before, its the promise of reliving those moments that, in part, keeps me going.

The other comment that struck me is Gate's insistence that all is needed when one starts a yoga practice is a willingness to grow along spiritual lines.  I have a hard time talking about spiritual things, so this part of the program will challenge me.  I came to Bikram from a gym because I liked the yoga classes there, and wanted to try something a bit more intense and more authentic.  Like most people, I came looking for a workout and some health benefits.  I was very surprised about the way the practice changed my thinking, my attitudes, the way I treat others on a day to day basis.  I first thought of it as a side benefit.  Now, its looking like my original objectives may be the side benefits.  But I suspect that at some point, I might really understand that there is no "side benefit" at all, and that it's more like a package deal. 

161/197 Celebrating What Is

New Years Day Off

There was a 2:30 class today, but its my wedding anniversary and I spent the day with my wife.  So, right off the bat I killed any chance of doing 365 classes in a row this year.

Meditations from the Mat starts off with some general thoughts on why yoga is taking off in the west.  In keeping with his optimism, Gates thinks it comes from westerners trying to retreat from unbalanced ways of life and trying to find a return to something that is balanced.  I'm not sure I agree about that part of it, but it is a very positive way to look at it.

Two things particularly struck me here.  First, he compared yoga to the Wizard of Oz.  He said that yoga is a journey that leads you home.  Like Dorothy in Oz, the way home was always there for her, and the journey and her adventures were just a way for her finally learning to accept that.  Just a few weeks ago, Lenette also made the Wizard of Oz connection, by quoting the America song, Tin Man:  "Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man that he didn't, didn't already have."  The idea is that everything that you need for your well being has already been included.  It's about as hopeful thought as I can imagine.

The other quote that I loved from this first day is the simple definition of yoga:  "Yoga is the practice of celebrating what is."  There have been a few classes that have simply flown by, where I have been absolutely happy to be in the room, sweating my butt off, and doing my best at the poses.  One of the reasons I keep going is in the hope that that I will again have that sort of magical experience.  I think Gates here is saying that yoga is the practice of gaining that sort of experience on a regular basis, and then perhaps applying that same thing both on and off the mat.  If so, again I think its an extraordinarily hopeful statement. 

161/196 Happy New Year

9:30 am with Lenette

Only my second day back after break, and I was back into the form I left with.  It also just felt good to be in the room.  It was hot, the energy in the class was very high, and Lenette taught another great class.

Today, she was encouraging everyone to take the special kindness that they bring to the Christmas holidays and simply to extend them as long as we can through the New Year.  She said she was talking to someone who told her that he felt guilty because he just gave some money to a homeless person.  Not that that was wrong, but it hit him that he passed the same guy probably countless times the rest of the year, but only thought about doing something for him now.

Class went quickly.  I didn't sit out at all, and I managed to keep a "smiling, happy face" through most of it.  I got a good correction in Toe Stand.  To me, its pretty impressive that I can attempt to do Toe Stand at all now, since it was out of the question a short while ago.  Now I have to try to sit with my heel more toward the center of my butt, especially on the left side.  And I got a compliment in Camel.  Lenette has encouraged me to push the hips forward just a bit more.  I'm getting close to where they are supposed to be, and today with just a slight bit of encouragement I got the hips vertical over the knees.

Next Year -- Meditations From the Mat

I'm going to take this blog in a somewhat new direction starting the first of the year.  There's a very fine book called Meditations From the Mat by Rolf Gates.  It has an entry for each day of the year and covers each of the branches of yoga.  I intend to focus the blog on these meditations.  I'll try to make it so that the blog makes sense without actually reading the book, but I can't promise anything.

If anyone is interested in following along, the book is here.  I recommend it.  But I won't just be writing about it; I'll still be doing much the same as I have for the last few months.

160/195 A Long Break

Monday and Tuesday Off

Wednesday 8am with Jennifer on Long Island

Thursday through Monday Off

Tuesday 9:30 am with Danielle

This holiday patch has included the least amount of yoga that I've done since starting last March.  I tried to get my sisters to come with me while visiting Long Island, but alas, they were too busy with other things. 

On Wednesday, I went to a new studio on Long Island.  It has been open for just over a week.  It's a hot yoga studio, and not affiliated with Bikram, and the teacher is one that both my sisters like very much.  The studio is a bit different, mostly because it has hardwood floors, instead of carpet.  This made more of a difference than I would have thought, especially on the balancing poses.  My feet, I guess, are used to grabbing the carpet and didn't fare as well on a rubber mat and hard wood floor.  

The other big difference was in the single leg stretches at the end.  My heel was directly on the hard wood, and it HURT.  I suppose I would get used to it, but it was really hard to focus on the rest of the pose with my bone pushing directly into the hard floor.

Jen is a good teacher, but trained differently than Bikram.  This meant that the class used the same poses as a Bikram class, but with different dialogue, slightly different set-ups, and some different points of emphasis.  For example, I don't think she said "Lock the knee" even once.  That was weird for me.  And there was a different emphasis in Cobra.  She even suggested lifting the palms from the floor there. 

Her demeanor in general was a bit mellow, and yet she still seemed able to motivate people.  And she gave me some very good corrections.  Overall, I enjoyed the class very much and would be happy to go back, painful heel and all.

The time off was a bit odd.  I kept meaning to wake up for an early class again while in NY, but the enthusiasm seemed to wear off when the alarm went off in the morning, and I stayed in.  As a result, this was a tie for the longest break I've had since starting -- the other coming immediately after the 60th day of the challenge.

Class this morning was refreshing.  I had to bail on one pose toward the end of the standing series, but otherwise I felt good, especially on the floor.  My hamstrings and lower back were a bit tight following the break, but I should be back to where I left off or better either tomorrow or on New Years day.  The best thing about today's class was that I was able to keep a smile on my face, even through half locust.

158/186

Thursday Off

Friday 10:30 am with Danielle

Sat. 9:30 am with Connease

Sun. 2:30 pm with Miranda

Wow.  This has been a long time without posting.  Classes have been just fine.  Danielle is getting more confident with each class, and Friday's was great.  Her timing was almost perfect.  I didn't notice a single dialogue mishap, and the energy in class was really good

Saturday I had two friends come to class for the first time.  It's funny, but this is the first time that people have come to my studio on my recommendation.  They both did really well.  Shelley was up and trying on every posture, and I don't think she let up once.  Delton tried to hard at the start and got knocked out pretty early on, but he got back into things and kept up a good sense of humor about the whole thing.  Even better, I think they both will be back for more.

Today's class was pretty typical for a Sunday.  Around 1 pm I started feeling hungry and a bit deprived.  But then class was really good, and the time just flew by.

I'm not sure what's happening, but there is a tenderness in my lower back that I haven't felt in months.  It doesn't feel like there is any danger of injury.  It's just a kind of sweet soreness, and I'm hoping that its a sign of things opening up, or about to open up.  Maybe it means that I'm giving extra effort in the back strengthening series or the backbends.

I noticed something odd today.  At the beginning of Awkward Pose, we are told to step to the right six inches.  I've always stepped to the right a bit and then to the left with the other foot, so that I end up with them six inches apart.  Today, I started on the left side of my mat, to let the person behind me see the mirror.  So I stepped to the right for the first time, and amazingly enough, it seemed to make a difference.  My alignment was better than it usually is, I went a bit deeper into all three sets, and it seemed a bit easier.  I cannot explain why.  If asked beforehand, I would have said that it's a trivial matter and that it shouldn't make any difference.   So here's another example of rule 1:  Do what they tell you.  Don't do what you think amounts to the same thing.  Just do what they say.  It's so easy, and I keep finding ways that I have veered from it.  And who knows, maybe there are ways where it really doesn't make a difference.  But if it doesn't make a difference, then there really is no reason not to do what they say either...

156/183

Monday 10:30 am with Lenette

Tuesday Off

Wednesday 10:30 am with Lenette

I always enjoy Lenette's classes, and always seem to learn something from them.  There two classes were no different.  There's always a sense of good humor and fellowship in her classes, and she gets it without skimping on people's motivation and effort.

Today, she coached me through Camel.  She said that the first set was good, and I was only a couple of degrees away from having my hips and legs vertical.  So she pushed me to get it completely right in the second set, and said that I had done it.  Of course, this is a pose I can't see, but if she is right, that means I'm basically in the full expression of this pose now.  That's one down and 25 to go :)

She also walked us all through Standing Separate Leg Head to Floor pose.  I've been so focused on being able to grab my feet that I've kept them closer together than they should be.  She made me, and all the rest of us with tight hamstrings, spread our legs even farther.  And she did this in a third set.  It felt really good, and quite different from what I'm used to.  And she is the only teacher at our studio who would ever put a class through a third set of anything.

On Monday, she complimented my first backbend.  It wasn't because I was going back really far, but she could see how hard I was working to keep my hands together and my elbows locked.  Then later she pointed out that I needed to straighten my wrists in Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee.  I did, and it made things alot harder.  That's another cheat I was doing out of pure ignorance.  I love when I get attention to small details like that.

I've been a bit lax about posting here.  I thought it might be laziness, or perhaps because I've been feeling my posts suffer from being repetitive.  Today it hit me that it may be something else entirely.  Again and again in class we are told to try to get beyond judging ourselves.  Part of being present in the class hinges on being able to do the poses without scolding or being too critical.  Praise has its own pitfalls.  Anyway, in some respects, I realize I have constantly been judging classes, and my own performance, through this blog.  That raises a question, and I don't know whether I can answer it satisfactorily:  How do I go about writing a somewhat interesting or worthwhile blog about my yoga classes without bringing any judgment into it?  I suppose it may be possible, but I'm not sure exactly how that would be done.

And I'm pretty well convinced that comparing my performance from one day to the next, from one set to the other, etc..., only hinders my progress in the long run.  So I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it.  Next week I will probably have five days in a row off, and I'm going to think about some new approaches to this side of the endeavor during that break.

154/180

2:30 with Miranda

Today, I felt a bit like I was back on track.  Class pretty much flew by.  The heat was up pretty high, but it felt good and not al all oppressive.  And unlike yesterday, I felt like I was putting all my effort and attention into the poses.  So, all in all, it was a good class.

Balancing was only mediocre.  I fell out of each part one time.  In Standing Head to Knee, I fall because I start to lose my balance to the outside of my foot.  I think this is an alignment issue, and I should probably go back to the first part of the pose for a while to get an even more solid knee lock.  In Standing Bow, I fall out because the stretch becomes very intense.  I should be able to overcome this with just a deeper concentration.  Basically, I think if I could learn to breath into the stretching pain, I could hold this pose longer.  But its in little things like that where the true difficulty lies.

Back strengthening was really good today.  Cobra was really good.  From class to class I can feel myself lifting up even more with just my back, and then I can get a really good stretch in the upper back.  Locust was better than its been for a while, as was Floor Bow.  After locust, I felt the beginnings of a cramp just below my left scapula.  And in Floor Bow, I could feel a real tightness/tiredness feeling in a line across my middle back.

Before class I was talking with a man who has been coming to this studio since it opened.  He has probably taken over 500 classes in the last two years, and did other yoga before this.  He said, with a touch of bemusement, that he still couldn't lock his knee.  So I watched him in a few poses.  He kicks out in Standing Head to Knee without a fully locked knee.  I don't know much, but it seems pretty clear to me that you need to learn to really lock the knee before you start to kick out.  Once you are concentrating on the kicked out leg, it's exceedingly difficult to focus on locking the standing knee.  Besides that, its dangerous and he's lucky that he hasn't hurt his back.  Then I saw him going into Fixed Firm:  He goes all the way back into the full posture, but his hips are off the ground.  Again, I thought this was dangerous.  And it probably is not giving him the full benefits of the pose.  Now I wonder if I should talk to him, and I know him well enough that I probably will.   

The point here is that he is really a good, dedicated student, and there are still some things that seem to have slipped by him.  And I'm pretty sure the same happens to all of us.  I know that I discover little adjustments I need to do in the poses all the time.  And who knows, maybe there are some really big errors that I have been making all along.  Both of the errors I saw today, I think, come from wanting to go deeper into a pose before being ready for it.  That's a huge temptation, and one that I have been trying to guard against.  But today I started inching back some in Fixed Firm myself.  Was I truly ready for it?  Or was I just trying to get deeper into the pose so I could reward myself with another breakthrough?  Sometimes it's pretty hard to tell.

153/179

Thurs 8:15 pm with Miranda

Friday off

Saturday 2:30 with Danielle

We have company visiting, so it's been harder to make it to class.  One of my favorite Woody Allen quotes is "80% of success is just showing up."  And these past few days, I'm hoping he has it right.

Thursday night's class was very good.  I don't remember much about it at all, and that's usually a good sign.  The 6:30 class had orange slices waiting for them, and I remember being a bit disappointed that they were gone after the late class.  Other than that, I can't recall anything particular about any of the poses.

I meant to go to class on Friday, but we had lunch reservations that made any of the early classes impossible.  We ate at a Brazilian churasscuria, which is basically an all you can eat steak house with about 22 different kinds of meat, each of them better than the last.  I thought about going to the 6:30 class, but was afraid of what might come up in Locust.  So I took the day off.

Then today, we had another big lunch, but there were no other options for class.  So I went to class with a full stomach, which was a first.  The idea filled me with more than a bit of terror.  But it was different than I thought.  I didn't have any problems holding the food down.  Instead, I lacked energy.  So my mind was involved, but my body wasn't responding the way it should.  I kept having the sense that it would have been a simply great class if I had gone without eating.

Danielle has already improved quite a bit.  Her dialogue was more confident.  She made only one noticeable slip.  And she seemed to have a better connection with the students than before.  The first class I took with her was solid and showed promise.  After this class, I'm pretty sure that she will develop into a really good teacher.  The only faults I could find with today's class were the pacing (too quick) and the heat (too cold for me).

I was fine in the standing series.  Had pretty good balance.  I made it through the back strengthening pretty well, and without spitting up.  Then, the extent that I dogged the class became clear in Camel and Rabbit.  Both poses were considerably less deep than usual, especially Rabbit.  I took that to mean that I had not prepared as well earlier on.  The amount that each pose builds on the earlier ones in this series is pretty incredible.  So, either my full stomach was holding me back, or I held back a bit unconsciously because of the full tummy.  Either way, its not something I want to repeat very often, and I need to make sure that I don't let myself get into the habit of dogging it.

151/176 Snow in Houston

6:30 pm with Miranda

It snowed today, which is the first time since I've been in Houston.  I heard that it snowed about 5 years ago on Christmas eve, but I was in China at the time.  I have two Samoyeds, sled dogs who have never seen snow.  So I let them frolic for longer than usual and came in just in time to get to class, but really chilled.  It was very tempting not to go, but I didn't give in and I'm glad I did not.

I didn't have much of the after cold burning sensation in my hands or my feet, and the temperature in class was perfect and felt really good.   And it was very pleasant being in the hot room and being able to look through the foggy windows at the snow falling.

Class went well.  I've found a new spot to breath through in my throat during Pranayama.  It sounds even more like a snore on the inhale.  I assume this means I'm improving, but I haven't asked anyone.  It feels a bit better than before.  It's strange to think about how varied a simple thing like breathing can be.

I didn't get my bit toe to hit in Eagle today, so that was a minor step back.  But I also had a minor breakthrough:  in Locust, I got my elbows to touch for the first time.  I can see how keeping them closer might increase my leverage someday, and make it easier to push further up.  But something is going to have to open up in my back first before I can take advantage of that leverage.

Balancing was not good.  I was fine on my left leg, but had trouble holding balance on my right leg.  I think cold feet from the snow may have had something to do with this.

Otherwise class was pretty standard.  The big achievement today was showing up.  Also, for the first time I brought an extra towel and showered there.  Until recently, I thought the shower there would be pointless, because I couldn't stop the sweating that fast.  For some reason, that doesn't seem to be as much of an issue any more.  And it was really nice to be able to go home dressed as a human being.

150/175

10:30 am with Miranda

Today's class was as good as Sunday's was bad.  Heat and humidity were a perfect 105/40.  The energy was good and I felt strong throughout.

Miranda gave a few hands on corrections that were illuminating.  In the first forward bend, she started to push back on my knees while telling me to roll forward.  The feeling was a bit different than when I do it on my own.  I could feel more in my back and in the middle of my hamstrings.  I had never really rolled forward properly before, I guess.  

I thought I was doing it.  It's pretty easy to fool yourself into thinking you are doing something when you really are not.  That is one lesson I learn again and again from doing this Yoga.

In one of the situps, she came over and pushed down on my knees while I was sitting up.  When I sat up, she gave me a look that said "You see, you can do that."  And for the rest of the sit-ups, I did do it on my own.  It's so easy to let the knees bend in the sit-ups, but its also a point where I really do have control.  So no excuses from this point on.

And she pushed my hips onto my heels in Half Tortoise.  She's done this before, but I've made some progress in this pose, and it changed what she was doing.  Basically,  I realized how far I have to go still in this pose.  My head was barely on the floor, and there was an awesome stretch through my upper back and shoulders.  I can still feel the aftermath of that stretch.  The feel of this pose varies so much from day to day.  Sometimes, its like a pure rest, and other times I can get a big stretch out of it.  I haven't figured out quite what makes the difference, and today I found out how much more work there really is to do in this pose.

Balancing was pretty good, especially Standing Head to Knee.  My right leg still wants to come out of a full locked position, but there's some improvement.  Balancing Stick was really good.  Miranda stressed leaning back before going into the pose, and then concentrating mostly on lifting the leg, and letting the upper body follow.  I hadn't heard this before, and it seemed to make a difference.

All in all, it was a great class.  Oh, and I almost forgot.  My big toe touched the back of my leg in Eagle.  It's a minor breakthrough, but very satisfying.

149/173

Saturday 9:30 am with Amy

Sunday 2:30 pm with Miranda

Saturday morning class was just about perfect.  Other than that, I hardly remember a thing about it.  I remember getting my head on the floor in Fixed Firm.  Other than that, I'm pretty much drawing a blank.  But I know I was really with it, and I felt good during class and great afterwards.  That is enough.

Today's class couldn't have been more different.  Unfortunately, I remember just about every moment, every painful moment.  We started out at 85 degrees and 60 % humidity.  It was so cold that Miranda took us through a stretching routine she does to warm up.  That part was fun, but class started over 20 minutes late as a result.  That wasn't that big a deal.

Gradually the room got hotter, eventually to 99 degrees.  And the humidity never went below 58%.  I did really well to start with, and then around Standing Bow I started to run out of air.  Sometimes it really is the humidity.  And of course, on Sundays, I don't eat before class, and that probably didn't help.  By Triangle, I was pretty beat, and I dropped my arms between sides, so I went down.  Then I went down again in the next pose.  And then, I even felt like going down in Tree pose, but resisted.

I figured floor series would be better, but it was even more humid on the floor.  The only thing I skipped on the floor was a set of Locust, because I needed a bathroom break.  Or maybe I just wanted to escape.  After Locust, things went back to being merely painful.  

To top it off, I've had a low grade headache since class.  Maybe I'm getting sick, but this class will go down in the Pantheon of nightmarish classes.  It was right up there with one of Zeb's torture sessions, or the class with Lenette where I pretty much collapsed, or the second advanced class where I was out for the count for the last 20 minutes.  But there's no lasting damage, and I think I may have actually learned a few things about the poses, and about warming up.  So the class was really hard and painful, but not in any way a loss.

147/171 - No Balance

6:30 pm with Miranda

I don't know why, but I could not stand on one foot today.  Well, I do sort of know why.  I played with the dogs before class, and it was pretty cold out.  And the ground was wet.  So I started class with very cold feet and hands.  They didn't burn, like the last time.  Instead, when we started Eagle, I started to get cramps in the outsides of each standing foot.  Not so bad that I had to hop around or anything, but bad enough to completely throw off my balance.

By Standing Bow, it got comical.  I was about as bad as I was in the first couple of weeks of class.  Not overall, but I fell out about every 5-10 seconds or so.  The best thing I can say is that I didn't give up, and I didn't get mad at myself or frustrated.  And that is a major difference between now and when I first started.  Then, I constantly got mad and frustrated with myself, particularly in the balancing poses.

The best parts of class today were Fixed Firm and Rabbit.  In Fixed Firm, I felt like I could have gone all the way down in second set.  I still didn't push it, but I'm pretty near to where I was before I hurt my knee.  In Rabbit, I got into what felt like a pretty deep position.  It's really hard for me to know with this pose, but it felt better than usual, and my breathing was good in the pose.

I got confirmation today of Bikram's close call in Mumbai.  He was with his wife and several of the yoga champions to open a new studio there.  They stayed at the Taj Mahal Hotel, and left the building to go out for food or a drink only ten minutes before the terrorist attack.  A few minutes the other way and the chances are pretty good that some or all of them would now be dead.  Thankfully, they are all fine.

146/169

Tues. 10:30 am with Miranda

Wed. 10:30 am with Miranda

There's a funny thing about morning classes.  I'm less flexible during classes, so while doing it, I feel less sense of accomplishment.  In the evening classes, I tend to go much deeper into the poses, and that's always nice.  But afterwards, I feel like I've gotten more benefit from the morning classes.  Not just from the energizing effect that lasts the rest of the day, but also simply in the way my body works.

The room conditions the last two days were very different.  Yesterday, it was cold and humid.  Class started at 92 degrees and got up to about 102.  Humidity never dropped below 45%.  That usually bodes ill for me, and yesterday was no exception.  I almost had to sit out a set at the end of standing series, and was suffering through some of the floor series.  Today, it was hotter but dry.  We started at about 102 and it got up to 107, but the humidity was only around 35% at the maximum.  And those differences made class so much easier.  Plus, I came into class today determined to try to really focus on Miranda's voice, and to push everything else out of my mind.  I think that helped speed things along, and made for a better class all around.

I don't have much to say about the postures in either class.  Balancing series were OK.  I'm pretty much falling out once per part in these, and sometimes making it all the way through.  Back strengthening was about par for the course.  Fixed Firm is slowly improving.  I can go back on my elbows when I want now, and am even thinking about lowering my head to the floor a bit.

In terms of the poses, it seems like the biggest improvement I could make now is to increase the flexibility in my butt and hamstrings, especially on the left side.  Pushing this too hard, however, is fraught with danger.  Most of the people who hurt themselves (including my own sciatic problem), do it by pushing the forward bends too hard.  So, instead, I'm trying to learn patience and persistence.  The persistence part doesn't seem to be that much of a problem.  The patience lesson is a harder one to learn.

144/166

2:30 with Miranda

Full class today.  I was in the back row in the middle.  For almost the full standing series, Miranda was directly in front of me and I had no view of the mirror.  That's pretty much a first, and it interfered less than I would have supposed.  I couldn't see a thing in Half Moon, but I think I was pretty much on target anyway.  Standing Head to Knee was where it was the worst.  I've grown accustomed to focusing on my standing knee.  Without that reference point, I could still stand and lock the knee, but for some reason I couldn't kick out and hold my balance for long.  For the rest of the series, including Standing Bow, not being able to see myself didn't have much of an impact at all.  I made it through two parts of Standing Bow, and here I think not being able to see myself might actually have helped some.

Floor series was very good today.  I felt really strong in the back strengthening series.  I focused on stretching outward with my legs in Locust, and I think it might help.  Rabbit and Camel were very good, especially Rabbit, which is definitely a pose that comes and goes for me.  And I must be doing something right on the final stretch now.  I'm working on flexing the feet and locking my knees, and it really hurts even before the stretch starts.  I'm assuming at some point that intense stretch behind the knees will start to feel more normal.

All in all, for a Sunday class with no food beforehand, it went very well.  I'm not having stamina or breathing problems at all.  My focus, overall, is pretty good.  I could still be a bit more still getting into Savasanas.  And on a day like today, I actually was enjoying the time in class.  I'm still a bit hung up on progress, or the lack of it, but when I can put that out of my mind, everything is just fine.

143/165

Wednesday off.

Thursday Thanksgiving! and off.

Friday 2:30 pm with Miranda

Saturday 9:30 am with Amy.

I took two days in a row off for the first time since Hurricane Ike.  I felt great, except the Thanksgiving feast gave me a headache.  I didn't drink much -- one beer and a small glass of champagne.  So I'm blaming it either on the turkey (which was my own doing, and delicious), or just on general overeating. 

The headache stayed with me through Friday morning and up to class, so I was a bit concerned about how I would do in class.  By Standing Bow, the headache was gone.  After class, it stayed away, and then came back slightly after a couple of hours.  But nothing like it was in the morning.  Add another item to the list of Bikram benefits:  it can cure some headaches.  I was especially surprised that it had that effect since I basically ate nothing before the class.

When Friday class started, my head hurt so much that I had a little trouble staying balanced on two feet.  I decided to hold back some in Standing Head to Knee, and made it in the first position (grabbing the foot and locking the standing knee) for the full first set.  Then I made it kicking out through the full second set.  So much for balance problems.  Standing bow was good as well. 

 The rest of yesterday's class was sort of a blur.  The one thing I distinctly remember was Miranda pulling back a bit on my hands in Half Moon, and then putting her knuckles into my spine just below the shoulderblades.  This had me slightly arch the back backwards, and it did let me go further into the pose.  Now I'm trying to recapture the same feeling on my own.

Today's class was very ordinary.  Balancing was not good.  I fell out a bunch in all of my poses.  Then I had a pretty good Separate Leg Forward Stretch, a very good Triangle, and then I lost it in the first set of Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee and had to sit out for a set.  My legs were tighter than usual, and getting into the pose was harder on my balance and I was having trouble keeping my breath.

The last two classes with Amy, she has called me out on not locking my elbows in the first backbend.  It's odd, because this is something that I would say that I work on.  But apparently not enough, because when she calls me out I can improve it.  Locking the elbows makes the bend feel even more funky and insecure.  That's part of what the "don't be afraid" command in that pose addresses.  Without being able to see, its very hard to know for sure if I'm getting this one right.  Now it looks like the answer is:  if I feel OK, then I'm doing it wrong and I should try to stretch my arms out more and really lock the elbows.

Here's the funny thing:  a few weeks ago, I obsessed over my knee, over my sciatic pain.  The petty little injuries gave a focus to my practice.  Now, I'm pretty much injury free.  I feel a little tightness in the hamstrings, but its not even close to an injury.  And as a result, I'm thinking that my practice lacks a real focus.  In an odd way, the injuries may have been a blessing.  They gave me something specific, and very real, to work on.  I still, for some reason that is probably wrongheaded, feel like I need something more specific to work on, but anything I might choose seems a bit arbitrary.  Next month, Amy is going to start a program geared towards next year's Texas Asana Competition.  Maybe concentrating on that will fill the gap (a gap that probably shouldn't be there).

141/161

Wednesday 8:30 pm with Amy

It's been awhile since I saw Amy.  Her little girl came down with pneumonia, had a fever that reached 105, and went to the hospital twice for it.  During that time, her boy got a fever of 104, and she and her husband also got sick.  So she's had a really bad couple of weeks, and seemed to be really happy to be doing something other than attending the sick. 

Class was good and hot.  We finished at 107 and 40% humidity, and it had probably already come down a degree or two by that time.  Often, that kind of heat will knock me out of a pose or maybe two.  Instead, I was pushed to the very edge at the end of standing series, but held on.  I lost my breath after the second set of Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee, but there's no point in sitting out Tree pose since its basically a resting posture anyways.

Balancing Series was very good.  I fell out of Standing Head to Knee twice, but my kicking out was better than its been recently.  I was concentrating on flexing back my kicking foot, and the difference was noticeable.  I made it all through the full second set of Standing Bow.  Amy doesn't talk during the second set of this pose, and it makes it much easier to concentrate.  When the dialogue is going on, its hard not to measure how much time is left by the progress of the dialogue, and I think that that alone is a pretty big distraction.  It's too easy to think "I'll never make it"  and fall out, when it might have been possible to make it.  Or to push hard as the last words are coming up, only to lose the pose.  With silence, it seems much easier to fall into a state where there is just your image in the mirror, your breathing, and that slightly burning stretching feeling.

Sit-ups today seem much improved.  My head still doesn't hit my knees, but its getting close.  Now I've noticed that my knees come up a little bit as I'm coming forward, and I'm going to concentrate on keeping them nailed to the floor.

In the floor series, the good news came in Locust.  In first set, we got to the last part and Amy started heaping praise on how far I went up.  She said it was "awesome", and said "you go away for a little while, and its just amazing to see the progress people make while your gone"  I would not have said my Locust was anything special, or even very good for me.  It's really nice to know that a mediocre Locust still shows that sort of improvement.  I don't get breakthroughs very often any more, so I really appreciate this kind of feedback, especially on the poses that I can't see.

A while back, Amy was in a class that Cisco taught where he made us do the second set of Blowing In Firm at almost a machine gun fire pace.  The clapping sounds to me like its about 144 breaths a minute, or maybe a little faster.  Amy has taken to doing the same thing in her classes and she has joked about it with me a couple of times.  For the first time, I kept pace for the entire set, without having to gasp or slow down.  And when it was over, I basically fell off my knees laughing.  When I started, just doing the slow first set was pretty much impossible, so keeping up this ridiculous (and it really is ridiculous) speed felt something like a triumph.

140/160

Tuesday 6:30 pm with Miranda

Another good class.   I had my best balancing series in a while.  I made it through all four parts of Standing Head to Knee without falling out.  I had to come out of the kicking out part of it from time to time, but instead of falling when I went to far, I managed to pull myself back to the first position.  Standing Bow was not as good, I fell out three out of the four parts.  I'm falling here because the stretch, either in my standing leg or in my shoulder, becomes too intense.  So I think that's probably a good sign.  And Balancing Stick was good:  no hopping and I didn't fall out.

The rest of class went very smoothly.  No real high or low points.  I only went back on my elbows in the second set of Fixed Firm.  The slightest change in the angle of my feet seems to make a huge difference, and I'm really trying to get them pointed straight back to the wall.  Because of the difference that angle can make, I think it might be hard to judge progress in the pose just on how far back I go.  Today, I may have done better than yesterday, even though I didn't go back as far, because I think my feet were straighter.

This idea makes me wonder how many poses have the same sort of issue.  And my guess is that they probably all do.  I know that you can feign progress in half moon by compromising your grip, arm position, and the stretch up before leaning to the side.  And how far the hips come up in Rabbit can vary alot based on subtle differences in the head position, and also on where you grab your feet and how tightly you bring your ankles together.  I could probably go on for another half dozen postures or so where I've noticed the large effect that a small change in the set-up can make.  And I don't even know all that much about the postures yet.  So maybe I should start talking more about my progress in terms of form instead of depth?

I've noticed the same thing about the Final Stretch.  It's much, much harder when I concentrate on keeping my feet together and really engaging my quads while locking my knees.  I've been working on this recently, and it limits how far forward I can come.  So there is an apparent lack of depth from doing this pose with better form.  But the burning sensation in the back of my knees, my hamstrings and my hips, tells me that this is the right way to do this pose.  The lesson in this is that sometimes moving forward actually appears like moving backwards.

139/159

Saturday 9:30 am with Danielle

Sunday Off

Danielle is our brand new teacher.  She just came back from teacher training in Mexico, and Saturday's class was her second.  She did really well.  Her timing was perfect.  She kept the heat just right.  She didn't seem nervous, except at a couple of points when she might have been trying to remember whether to say right or left.  I think she's going to be a very good teacher.

Students don't get to see the dialogue itself, and most teachers start to vary things up on their own with time.  So one of the nice things for me about this class was that it was a fresh exposure to about as pure a form of the dialogue as I am likely to hear.  It's really quite amazing how effective the pure dialogue is.  It doesn't need elaboration or adornment to make for a very strong class -- even with it's broken English ("your exactly head on your knees"), and its absudities ("360 degree backbend for gravitation").

As for the class itself, the energy was high and I did well for a Saturday morning.  Balancing was pretty good.  I fell out of each part, but only once and very late into the set.  Triangle and Standing Separate Head to Knee were both strong.

The high point of the class was Fixed Firm.  I went back on my elbows in both sets.  That's the first time I've done that in a very long time.  I'm not going to push too fast to get all the way back.  I want to make sure my butt is firmly planted on the ground first.  But this is a really good sign that my knee is healing. 

And Toe Stand is also getting a bit better.  I have a hard time holding the squat on my left leg still, but I'm just barely managing it.  The good news is that its no longer scary to go down on that leg.  I have confidence that my knee is not simply going to break.

I missed blogging this weekend because the internet was down.  And I took Sunday off.  I was going to go at 8:30 this morning, but it now looks like it will be 6:30 pm or nothing. 

138/157 A Hot One

6:30 pm with Miranda

We started at about 104 and 45% humidity, and it just kept getting hotter.  At Camel, Miranda opened the door to let in some cool air, and it still got hotter.  I don't know where it peaked, but my guess is somewhere around 107, and the humidity never went down.  It started to get to me in the floor series, but I tried to stay focused and dealt with it pretty well.

On the good side, I was much more flexible than recently.  Rabbit seemed especially easy.  And I got deeper into the left side of the final stretch.  I'm not fully extended yet, but I'm much closer to the floor.  In the worst days of my sciatic injury, the knee made about a 90 degree angle in this one.  Now, I can almost get it down all the way.  And I got back easily on the elbows in second set of fixed firm.

Balancing series, however, was not very good.  After a bad first set of Standing Head to Knee, I just locked the knee without kicking out for the second set, and managed to hold the balance both times.  Standing Bow was a little better.  I fell out once in each part, but held it pretty well before falling forward.  And I did fall forward, which is supposed to be good.  Balancing Stick was good, as it usually is when the other parts are not.

This was the first class that I've taken immediately after taking my dogs to the park.  It was about 50 degrees out, and I played with them without gloves.  Then I rushed off to class.  Bad idea.  The first 20 minutes, my hands had to adjust to the change from 50 degrees to 105 degrees, and they were burning up as a result.  It was fairly painful, and it didn't seem like there was anything to do about it.  The grips in the early poses made it even worse.  So from now on here's an important safety tip:  don't jump from an extended stay in cooler weather directly into the hot room.

For some reason the other stupid thing I did wasn't nearly as bad.  I left the studio still in my sweaty shorts and shirt, basically drenched, when it was mid 40s outside.  And that doesn't bother me at all.  Not sure why that change in temperature seems so much easier to take, but there it is.

137/156 A Beginner Again

9:30 am with Connease

I set up in the back.  The room was cold.  It started at 85 degrees and 45% humidity, and probably never got over 100.  At the end of class, it was 96 and 44% humidity.  Lukewarm and humid are not a good combination for me.  It means having a sweat and feeling a little chilled at the same time.

On top of that, I just felt weak for some reason.  And so the entire practice was like I was back at square one.  I couldn't balance at all -- I must have fallen out of Standing Head to Knee 20 or more times, all tolled.  I skipped the last part of Triangle, and a whole set of Standing Head to Knee.  I dropped out early on the first set of Locust.  It was like old times.

On the plus side, Connease gives really good corrections and pays attention to details that I haven't heard before.  She corrected my hip alignment in Half Moon, then my knee locking (right leg of course) in Standing Bow, and then my set up in the final seated Head to Knee pose.  There were other corrections along the way, but those were the ones that gave me a bit of new info on doing the poses.

Even though class was sub-par, I felt really good afterwards.  And I've noticed that before on days when I had to sit out a pose for some reason.  Sitting out means that for whatever reason I've really pushed to the edge that day.  And maybe that extra effort (or what seems like extra effort on days when I'm a bit out of it) is what makes the difference after class.  The implication, I guess is that I should push even harder on days when I've got everything together.

Connease talked today about finding a still point in each of the poses.  She said that you always want to find a point where you are uncomfortable, but still, and able to breathe.  Then she said that often this is a point that sits on the edge between Fear and Ego.  Fear prevents people from going deep into poses, while Ego tempts them to go to far.  So the trick is to push past your fear while not going to far simply to indulge your Ego.  She said it better, and I'm just paraphrasing, but I really like the idea.   

In some ways, I think I probably hurt my knee because I pushed poses like Fixed Firm too hard.  And that was ego driven:  I really wanted to be deep in that pose so I probably forced it.  Now, I tend to ride the other side of that edge.  I'm a bit wary of pushing too hard and may tend to remain too much in the comfort zone.  So the trick is finding that middle area.

136/154

4:30 pm with Miranda

It looks like everyone in town is getting sick.  Amy's little girl has pneumonia, her boy has had a high fever, and both she and her husband have a cold/fever.  Yesterday, Lenette was talking about how she was just getting over a cold.  Another student almost dropped in class yesterday -- also a victim of this cold.  And today, Miranda gave a really good dialogue between coughs and sniffles.

I focused on being happy to be there.  It didn't take as much effort as I thought.  That might be because I like afternoon classes better, and it might be because the heat was perfect.  I'd like to think its because I really was happy to be there.  A few times I drifted away into thoughts outside class, but that's pretty much par for the course.  But there wasn't any time in the class when I started feeling sorry for myself.  Just that slight adjustment makes everything so much better, and its amazing how much it really is under my control.  Of course, there are some pretty serious implications for this insight outside of the yoga room...

Class itself was good.  Half moon was better than usual.  My form is getting better and I feel like I'm starting to open in the chest a bit.  The depth is coming.

Balancing series was mediocre.  I had two really good sides on Standing Bow, with a really intense stretch that I was able to hold.  I had one really good part for Standing Head to Knee, and then lost my balance again and again in the next three parts.

In Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee, I had a choice.  I was aware of the salty sweat running into my eyes, and my cramped breath.  I was also aware of a really good stretching feeling in my hamstring and hip.  Ordinarily, I might just focus on the stinging in the eyes or the lack of air.  Instead, I focused on how good the stretch felt and on breathing into the slight burning sensation in my legs.  I don't know if that made the posture any better, but it made a world of difference for the practice overall.  I came out of the posture feeling energized instead of beat. 

This change meant I was already recharging well before Savasana.  As a result, I think I may have been able to put a bit more into the back strengthening series, and I had a really good floor series overall.  I went back on my elbows in second set of Fixed Firm.  I'm just fine in Japanese Sitting Position for the final breathing exercise.  Overall, a very satisfying practice, and I've felt really great since class.

135/153 Frequency, Precision, Intensity

10:30 am with Lenette

Good class.  It started out really hot -- 107 and 40% humidity.  But Lenette has a knack for getting things just right.  The humidity blowers are not going full time now that the outside temperatures have dropped some.  As a result, my favorite spot has moved from under the blowers, to anywhere under one of the moving fans.

Before class, Lenette told me that my left knee has been locking really well recently, and now I have to bring the same focus to my right knee.  Then during class she showed me what she meant.  I have a tendency to bend the right knee when I kick out in Standing Head to Knee, because I can't get my left lifted leg up straight.  So I bend the knee some to compensate.  She forced me to lock it, which makes the kicking out even harder.  And in Standing Bow, I have a bit of the same problem.  Lack of flexibility in the lifted leg is causing me to compromise some on the anchor.

Balancing series was average today.  I made it all the way through on maybe one part in each pose.  The rest of the standing series was also average, except for Triangle.  I got a really good set up, and fell into the pose very naturally.  There were some nice triangles within the Triangle, and I felt like I could hold it for a long time.  On the down side, I didn't attempt Toe Stand.  I can't say what it is that makes me try it sometimes and not others, but for now I'm trusting my instincts and staying on the safe side.

Floor series was good.  Sometime in Cobra, I had a sort of revelatory change in attitude.  Basically, out of nowhere, I decided that it was a privilege to be able to be in the room, and that I would do much better in class if I just came to each pose with the idea that it was an honor and a pleasure to be able to do this right now.  Lately, I think I've been beating myself down some by focusing on the lack of breakthroughs, the effort and pain of the postures, and other negative things.  And that's just so wrong, and ultimately could poison the whole practice.  The reason I keep coming every day is not only because of the benefits I'm getting outside of class, but because at a deep level  I really like doing this stuff.  And since that's true at a deep level, I might as well bring that to the surface.   Anyway, just being happy about doing the poses made the floor series much better.

Lenette recently came from a retreat in Minnesota where Emmy Cleaves (the amazing octagenarian yogi) and Rajahsheree (Bikram's wife and I've probably misspelled the name) taught.  Emmy said that a practice will succeed if there are three elements:  frequency, precision and intensity.  

According to Lenette, anything from 3 times a week and up is enough to satisfy the frequency requirement.  More is better, up to a point.  And the more you do, the more important it is that you be precise.  Because if the precision is not there, its easy to overdo things.  

Precision, to my way of thinking, is probably the hardest thing to achieve and it may be the most important.  It insures safety, and is the only way to guarantee progress.  Also developing a habit of precision may be the quickest way of learning mental discipline and focus.  Of the three elements she mentions, I think precision is the hardest, and its what can keep the 26 postures interesting for so long.

Intensity may be the easiest of these to achieve.  My objection to this element is that it is so easy to be too intense.  I think Emmy would probably answer that, with precision, you cannot be too intense.  (Or conversely, if your practice becomes so intense that you lose control of your breath or your movements, then you have lost the necessary precision.)

Today, I was thinking about this as it relates to attitude.  And I think its clear that a bad attitude infects and threatens all three of these elements.  Beating myself up over lack of progress, or just focusing on unpleasant things could 1) make me come to class less often; 2) come out of poses early or tend to cheat either to relax or to give myself the illusion of going deeper than I'm able; and 3) take it easy from time to time, or push too hard to force a breakthrough for which I'm not ready.  So, if possible, I'm going to try to get back to the attitude that I'm just happy to be here.

134/152

9:30 am Saturday with Lenette

2:30 pm Sunday with Miranda

These were two very different classes.  Yesterday it was hot, and tough, and I felt pretty good throughout.   Today, it started out cold and gradually warmed up.  The class did not seem objectively as tough, but I was having some troubles toward the end.  I think the problem today was the lack of a good warm up.

Before class I was talking to a woman who has practiced in 6 different studios, including two in Boston, one in Dubai of all places, and the downtown studios here in Houston.  She said that this was the coolest of any of the places she has practiced, and also said that its the only studio she has been in with fans.  In Dubai, she said the studio was hotter, but to get it to that temperature, they still had to use air conditioners.  Outside, it was typically 12o degrees when she went to class. 

Yesterday, Lenette said that she had heard several people ask her to give other teachers some lessons on controlling the heat, because some classes have been too cold.  Her answer was that, to a large extent, you can control your own heat through your breathing.  (Other yoga practices use the throat breathing we do in pranayama to help warm up their bodies, and it definitely works.)  And since we have our own internal mechanisms that can add to the heat, she suggested that we stop bitching and do our yoga.  Very funny.

As for the yoga, yesterday I felt hot and a bit weak, but more flexible than usual.  So I did well in the poses that emphasize stretching, but had what seemed like a weak back strengthening series, awkward pose, triangle, etc...  Balancing was mediocre.  Nothing really stood out.

This morning, it was quite the opposite.  I felt really strong, and did great in the strength poses.  But I wasn't very flexible at all, I think because of the lack of heat (it finally got up to about 100 or 101), and because that led to less of a warm up.  Balancing was very good today.  I only made it completely through one part each of Standing Head to Knee and Standing Bow.  But I came close on all the other parts.  When I fell out in Standing Head to Knee it was because I was trying at the end to lock my kicking leg.  And in Standing Bow I fall out because the stretch just starts to get too intense in the standing leg and butt.

132/149

8:15 pm with Miranda

All day I had a kind of deep pain in my left hip socket, so I was a bit anxious about class.  I didn't feel any pain in the hip at all during class.  That made me thing that yoga had once again cured a temporary problem.  But now the pain is back.  It's not bad, but its like something deep in my hip wants to open up, and it isn't quite there.

I set up in the back tonight.  And, as always, it was harder to focus and I did not fare as well in the balancing poses.  The rest of the class went really well though, especially in the parts where I got physical corrections from Miranda.  First, she helped out in the first forward bend, and once again I came just shy of locking my knees.  Then she put all her weight on my legs during Wind Relieving.  She's done that several times, and it always feels good.  Tonight I almost got contact between knee and shoulder, and there's no way I can get nearly that deep without help.

Then the new correction came in Floor Bow.  She pushed forward and up on my ankles, driving me onto my chest and getting my feet up higher than I ever thought they would go.  It felt absolutely amazing.  Now I'm a little bit aware of some tenderness in my lower back, which might be from that, but it was definitely worth it.

On my own I had some good moments as well.  From a distance my half moon is starting to look more round.  I still think this is one of the hardest poses in the series.  I've worked hard at getting the form better, and the good form set back my apparent depth for a while.  Now I'm probably 20-30 degrees above parallel from the floor with my arms, but my elbows are locked, my knees are locked, I'm reaching pretty strongly with the hands, and I have almost no collapse in the waist on the short side.

The other pose that was good tonight was Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee.  I actually locked my knee on the right side.  I might have done that once in a Zeb class during the challenge.  Then the sciatic pain killed the pose for the longest time.  Now, its stronger, at least on the right side than its ever been.  On the left side, my knee isn't bent quite so pathetically as before.  And I'm getting closer to keep my arms locked throughout the pose.

Finally, going back to last night's post.  I think the reason I was never able to understand the words in the line of that song is because they just don't make sense to me.  That made me think that maybe the same thing happens sometimes with the Bikram dialogue.  I have several times heard something new in the dialogue, even though its clear that I have heard the words many times before.  And the reason I suddenly hear it as new, I think, is because it suddenly makes sense,  perhaps because my body has reached a point where I am able to make sense out of it.  This is interesting, but shouldn't be that surprising.  It just shows a deep connection between the mind, the senses, and the body -- a connection deeper than a purely intellectual approach might suppose.

131/148 The Tropic of Sir Galahad

8:30 am with Lenette

Really good class this morning.  The heat was perfect.  It started out hard: Lenette took us through more repetitions of pranayama than usual, and its amazing how hard that breathing gets with just a few extra repetitions.

My balance was back.  I did all four sides of Standing Head to Knee without falling out.  And I held the kicked out leg the full time on two of the four.  Only did half as well on Standing Bow, but it was still an improvement on recent days.  And Balancing Stick was good, which almost never happens when the others go well.

The rest of the standing series was strong, and I ended again on Toe Stand, without any pain.  My left knee is popping alot, but it doesn't hurt at all.

In the floor series, Lenette told a strange story.  Her sister runs a studio in Idaho.  There's a student there who has been going every day for five years, at least.  She also runs, goes to the gym, and does other sports.  She has been very unforgiving of herself and very critical.  Recently, Lenette's sister has been pushing the idea that how you think during your practice has a direct effect on the practice itself.  So if you beat yourself up mentally while practicing, you actually take away the benefit of the yoga.  In line with this, she's been getting her students to focus on their thought processes as they are practicing.  With this student, during Half Tortoise, she was trying to get the woman's bunched up shoulders and back to relax, using a physical correction, while at the same time encouraging the woman to relax her body and her thoughts.  

The woman came out of the pose with a kind of light in her face.  She didn't know where she was.  She recovered from that, but after class didn't know where her purse was.  Then she denied that the purse in the corner was hers, until they showed her her wallet with her driver's license.  Then, when she didn't know which car was hers, and didn't know where she lived, they took her to the hospital.  It turned out that she got some kind of transient amnesia that the doctor's could not explain.  It gradually went away over the course of about a week.

Since that moment, her practice has jumped by leaps and bounds, as has her attitude.  She's able to accept herself now, warts and all, and isn't constantly punishing herself over her limitations.

Lenette said that this woman's epiphany (she didn't use that word) came from a sudden connection of her mind and body, that opened up some of the power of her soul.  She suddenly got access to what was always inside her, or as Lenette quoted America "Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man that he didn't, didn't already have."

I think she may be right, and the line from America is fabulous.  I also think the amnesia was another layer of denial.  It was like a temporary mental bandage, giving her time to ease into her realization.  Anyway, I think its a cool story about the power of this yoga.

And as much as I like that line from America, the next line may be the worst line from any song ever:  "And cause never was the reason for the evening, or the Tropic of Sir Galahad."  It's non-sensical, not grammatical, and it isn't even fun.  I didn't even really know what the line was, so after class I asked Lenette if she knew, and she hummed through the first line and then said "And blah, blah blah something something Sir Galahad."   Which is about what I knew.  So I looked it up on Google tonight, and realized that its so terrible that I've probably been blocking it out of my mind so I wouldn't have to think about it.

130/146

Sunday 2:30 with Miranda

Monday 10:30 with Miranda

After doing so well in Standing Head to Knee, my balance was really off in the last two classes.  Today I didn't even make it through a single set of either Standing Head to Knee or Standing Bow.  In Standing Head to Knee, I think I'm finally grabbing my foot down far enough away from the toe.  And getting the grip right has thrown off my balance some.  So progress in one area has caused a temporary setback in another.

Sunday's class was fun.  There were more than 40 people in the room and the energy was really good.  The temperature was good.  No one was sitting out, and the class basically flew by.  At this point I don't remember many of the specifics, but I felt really good, if a bit wiped out, afterwards.

Today's class was more of a challenge, maybe because of the morning.  It started off well.  I really tried to relax my upper back more in the first backbend, and it seemed to make a difference.  That's one of the poses that I haven't focused very much on, probably because I think I'm so inept at it.  And also, I have really no idea what I look like while doing it, but it doesn't feel like I'm very deep into it.  Also, that backbend almost always gives me a feeling of astonishment as I come out of it.  It's a really weird feeling that I've been getting used to, although Im not sure that that's the right word, because I still feel a bit dizzy/disoriented every time we come out of that pose.

Balancing series was not good.  I had very little balance at all, and fell out alot.  But then, Balancing Stick was good today.  I still can't figure out why I do well at Balancing Stick when I stink at the other two, and vice versa.  It's a puzzle to me.

The good news is that I tried Toe Stand again, probably for the first time in about a month.  I got down onto my heel on both sides, but couldn't balance at all.  Going down on the left knee felt a bit strange, and the knee popped pretty loudly toward the end.  But it didn't hurt, and I haven't felt any ill effects afterwards.  Bikram's book says that this pose really strengthens the knees, so I'd like to continue trying it, provided I don't make my left knee any worse.

In the floor series I'm starting to feel some new things.  In Locust, the last couple of days, I'm getting a cramp under my left shoulder blade.  This probably means that I'm finally working my upper back, so to that extent its a good sign.  But I could do without the cramping.   Then in Floor Bow, I've started trying to kick more, and this has caused some cramping in my left calf.  I'm not sure what this means.  And I'm getting cramps in my feet during Fixed Firm, and setting up for Camel.  Maybe I need more potassium.  I'll give that a shot (Banana time), and see if the cramps are from exertion, lack of electrolytes, or a combination.

One thing I love to see is how much our teachers care about teaching.  Yesterday, Miranda was trying to come up with an easy way to show people where to focus their eyes in Toe Stand.  It's not a big deal, but it shows that she really cares about people's form.  And then today, Lenette took Miranda's 8:30 am class, and was giving her some advice and praise after the class.   Seeing them help each other out left me with a very warm feeling.

128/144

2:30 pm with Miranda

I took yesterday off.  I'm following a similar rule to what I do in Final Savasana.  In Final Savasana, as long as I feel like I need to get out of the room, I stay.  I can only leave when I'm comfortable staying.  Two days ago, I didn't really feel like going to class, so I went.  Yesterday, however, I would have been fine either way, so it was OK to take off the day.

Class was really good today.  I started off well in Pranayama.  I've been doing this harder than usual recently, and really feeling a stretch in my ribcage.  I don't often get the dizzy feeling they talk about, but sometimes I feel like I might be on the verge of it.

The breakthrough, of sorts, came in Standing Head to Knee.  I made it through all four sides of the posture without falling out.  The first three parts were really strong, especially kicking out the right leg.  On the left side kick out, I could only hold the kickout for about half the time, but managed to keep my balance and my standing leg locked, while retreating into the first position.  And in the last part, the retreat was comical.  I almost lost my balance, and bent my leg sort of sideways to keep myself up, then managed to pull it back together out of sheer determination.  So it wasn't pretty, but it's still a first.

Then, of course, Standing Bow was almost a complete bust.  Actually it wasn't that bad, but I fell out of each part about 5 seconds before Miranda called change.  And in one part, I was much worse than that, falling out a couple of times.  But I guess that's what I get for congratulating myself so much over Standing Head to Knee.

Triangle was also really good today.  Miranda came and put my stretching up arm into the proper position, and it made the tension/pain of the stretch just a bit more exquisite.  As much as this pose hurts (and its the set-up that hurts me much more than the pose itself), it has come to be one of my favorite poses.  More than any other pose, this one feels both like I'm working really, really hard and also like I could hold it for a very long time if necessary.  You can't really hold the other ones that work you so hard:  Balancing Stick, Locust, Full Locust, second part of Awkward.  Well, maybe some folks could and I'm beginning to see how it could be possible in Awkward, but the others are way too intense right now for me to think about holding them for minutes.

Fixed Firm took a step back.  My knee was feeling a bit worse today, and it was cracking alot in a new way.  So I couldn't get as deep as I have been, but its not a major setback and I don't feel like I've re-injured anything.

In the final stretching poses, Miranda came by and started to pull my heels forward a bit.  Afterward, for a few moments, I felt like I had been on a rack.  She obviously knew where to stop because nothing got hurt.  But the stretch was amazing.  I'm probably supposed to remember the feeling and try to get to it on my own, but I don't know if I can do that.  In India, Yoga is a one on one experience between a guru and his (almost always his) student.  I sometimes wonder how different that sort of experience would be, and how much faster, if at all, the progress would be.  Someday, I'm going to take a private lesson, or share one, to see what the individualized attention for a full class would be like.

128/142 Back on Track

8:15 pm with Amy

This past week, and even today, I have been a little less enthusiastic than usual about going to class.  Today, I was 50/50 on whether to go at all.  And then class just raced by, and was really satisfying.   Even though I wouldn't say that I exactly rocked any of the poses, the practice as a whole just felt great.  The trouble is that I'm now so energized that I may be looking at another 3am bedtime.

Some parts were clearly not so good.  I couldn't hold balance in any of the Standing Head to Knee sets.  On the good side, when I am kicking out, I'm doing it pretty well, with a very solid standing leg.  Standing Bow was really great in one set, with almost perfect concentration.  But otherwise mediocre.  And Balancing Stick was just a struggle.  I was hopping around again.

Then the good stuff really started.  I almost grabbed my heels in Standing Separate Leg Forehead to Floor.  That's pretty huge for me, and I could feel my hips lifting as I rolled the weight forward.  Then Triangle was really strong with a good stretch across my chest.  It even earned a "beautiful" from Amy.  And I finished off the whole standing series just as strongly, with good stamina.

Floor series was pretty similar.  Back Strengthening, which has been so good recently, was middling at best.  The best I can say is that I really was trying hard in it, so that's fine.  Fixed Firm was better than its been in a while.  In second set, I was legitimately back on my elbows, with my feet pointed straight back, and my hips on the floor.  Half Tortoise felt really great, with a huge stretch in my shoulders.  And Rabbit is back to where it was a couple of weeks ago -- I'm feeling the stretch deep into the lower back again.

But the best thing was just how quickly the class flew by.  Basically, it felt like we started, were in Triangle, then in Locust and then we were done.  The energy in the room was great, and I was in one of those zones where time just doesn't seem to exist.  That happens so rarely, and when it does, it almost always goes together with a great experience.  And tonight was the same.  The other times when I've had the same type of experience come either when playing music and being really involved in it so that everything else just seems to vanish, or from time to time when I was a kid playing basketball and the team was just totally clicking together.  And now in yoga...

127/141

10:30 am with Lenette

I always enjoy Lenette's class.  Besides the fact that she was my first teacher, that she gave me the advice that cured my sciatica and then my knee, her classes always have a really nice balance of information, humor and motivation.  Today was no different, and it made for a very enjoyable class.

Balancing series was pretty good today.  I made it through 2 of the 4 parts in both Standing Head to Knee and Standing Bow.  The locking of my knee seems to be getting better and better.  I had a really good stretch going in Standing Bow, which I can really feel on the back of my standing leg.  And it just feels so good to actually be able to hold that pose.  

Balancing Stick was not quite so good.  I was hopping around a bit in the first set, which I almost never do.  I generally either get into the pose or fall out, but not hop.  On the plus side, I'm doing better at keeping my arms locked, and I can really feel it in my shoulders.

Lenette said I'm making real progress in Fixed Firm.  She said my foot alignment is much better than it used to be, and that as a result my ankles and tops of my feet are almost flat on the ground now.  It was really good to know that I'm on the right track here.

My knee has regressed slightly from jumping around with the dogs.  It's not a big deal, but a couple of days ago I felt absolutely great, and now I need to pay some attention to what I'm doing with it.  It's still way better than it was just two weeks ago, and a few more days of practice should work wonders.

126/140 Obama Wins

9:30 am with Connease

I don't have any political comments, but I'm typing this while listening to Obama's acceptance speech.  It's a pretty remarkable, and memorable, moment.

I took two days off in a row.  The first was deliberate; the second less so.  I felt really good both days, and yesterday I was bouncing around with the dogs, doing some jumping and hopping that I haven't done in months.  This morning, I felt a little popping in my knees, which means I might have pushed it just a little too hard.

Class was brutal.  It started at 98 degrees and 60% humidity, which wasn't so bad.  But it kept getting hotter and hotter.  By the end of standing series, it was 105 degrees and 50% humidity.  It was bad enough that I sneaked a peek.  And at the end of class it was 109 degrees and 41% humidity.  It was easily the hottest class I can remember.  The Zeb classes that I thought were crushing ended up at about 107 and 41%.

It's not that surprising that my stamina suffered --- a lot.  It was surprising, however, that I came out of the first forward bend a bit dizzy.  I was already gasping by the end of Awkward pose.  I thought about sitting out some of Eagle, because I was on the borderline with my breathing.  Then I finally lost it in the middle of Triangle, and ended up sitting out one set of Triangle, one set of Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee, and then one set of the Final Stretch.  And on top of that, I bailed out early on the third part of Locust, and in the first half of Rabbit.

After class, I was drained like I haven't been in a fairly long time.  And later in the afternoon, I had a slight headache, probably from dehydration.  When class is this hard, its difficult for me to evaluate individual poses.

I got a good correction in Fixed Firm.  Connease suggested that I spread my knees some to get my feet even straighter behind me.  That, she said, would ease up the torque on my knees some.  This is a point that I have often wondered about.  I know its preferable to have your knees together, but also acceptable to spread them if necessary.  The "if necessary" was the questionable part -- because it always seemed to me that it was never necessary.  Now I think I understand the necessity, which is a matter of alignment more than depth in the stretch.

125/137

9:30 am with Amy

A good tough class today.  The high point was Standing Head to Knee.  I made it through three of the four rounds without falling out, and almost made it through the fourth.  And I wasn't holding back on the kicking out either.  Then, to even things out, I fell out a bunch in Standing Bow.  But still, its showing progress.

The rest of class was pretty standard.  I was pushed just to the limit by the end of standing series, but still managed to hold it together and make it all the way through.  My knee felt really good, and I was tempted to try Toe Stand, but decided to hold off.  

The floor series zoomed by.  The temperature seemed perfect (and afterward Amy confirmed that it was perfect Bikram weather: 105 degrees and 40% humidity).  I was pretty well honed in to just listening to the dialogue and following along, without looking forward to anything or having my mind race around.  It's amazing how fast the class can seem to go, and how good it feels, when you can just keep your mind with your body. 

And the great feeling lasted the rest of the day.  My knee isn't bothering me at all.  In several places, I have that slight soreness that is so satisfying because instead of hurting, it just makes you feel connected to your body.