Class started very hot and humid, and I felt drained of energy. My balance was bad. I fell out of the balancing poses so much that they were relatively easy. Then it cooled down quite a bit. Throughout, I felt like I was taking things a bit too easy, and to my way of thinking, I would have said it was a below average class.
But... In Floor Bow, Libby said I was doing really good. And maybe I was deeper than usual, even if I felt like I was taking it easy. Then I got all the way down in Fixed Firm for the first time in a long time. Then I had another breakthrough in Half Tortoise: again it felt easier than usual, but I had my hips actually resting weight on my heels instead of just glancing them, with my arms locked out.
And then after class Libby gave me a big thumbs up. So, its pretty clear she thought I was doing well, even if I would have said "mediocre, at best." And looking back on it, in spite of feeling like I was not giving it my all, there was objectively some improvement.
I remember Jerry Garcia talking about the difference between how a performance felt, and how it actually was, meaning how it sounded on listening to it. Basically, he talked about how it was always really nice to have a performance feel great, but sometimes it could feel great and still have just been an awful performance. And sometimes, they would leave the stage in a real funk and then hear the tapes and hear stuff that was very inspiring. In some ways, I think that's what happened tonight. Subjectively, not so good, but maybe much better in hindsight. Ultimately, however, the goal is to unify body and mind. So the real lesson from tonight is how far I still have to go along that path.
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