Saturday, June 27, 2009

125/178 -- And Then, The Crash

Friday 4:30 pm with Sherry
Saturday 9:30 am with Connease

I knew the roll was bound to end, but I didn't necessarily expect such a dramatic reversal.

Yesterday's class with Sherry was hard. I felt a bit out of it throughout. I knew I was in trouble early on when I started losing my balance a bit in Half Moon. My strength and stamina was down for some reason, and I skipped a set of Triangle. The I managed to hold it together somehow and got through the floor series feeling really drained, but basically OK. It wasn't the heat, and I couldn't pin it on anything else. I just lacked energy.

It turned out that that was just a preview of coming attractions. Today's class was probably the hardest I've ever had. I felt weak by Awkward Pose. I actually had to catch my breath between sets of Awkward and missed a bit of the first part of the second set. In balancing series, I fell out and fell out and fell out. I went through one part of standing bow where I was simply trying to grab and hold my left foot, and I basically couldn't do that. That part was actually pretty comical.

OK, since balancing series had more or less become adventures in standing, you would think I had built up some energy for the rest of standing series. Maybe I did, but just bending forward in the first separate leg pose just about wiped me out again. Then I skipped the first set of Triangle. No biggie there. And I thought I was fine for the second set, but going down into the first side, I got dizzy and fell down pretty hard. Enough so Connease asked if I was OK. I shrugged it off, and stayed down. I skipped a set of the next pose as well.

It wasn't that hot really, and by skipping that much of the floor series, you would think that maybe I hadn't sweat that much. My towel was completely saturated when we hit the floor. So despite objectively doing less, I was sweating more than usual. I also managed to down a full liter of water in class, instead of my usual 2-3 oz. or less.

In floor series, I did fine until bow. Then felt drained again, and skipped a set of Bow, and then one of Camel and Rabbit. I don't think I've ever skipped more in any class. And I rarely have felt as wiped out afterward. And I stayed pretty much wiped out all afternoon. Tomorrow should be interesting.

The Day 176 meditation talks about honesty on the mat. And this meditation underscores one of the really good things about today's class. A few months ago, I would have pushed way too hard today. I would have lied to myself about my ability for the day, and kicked myself each time I came short of my false expectations for myself.

When it comes to being honest on the mat, there's always the question "Am I simply weak willed and lazy, or do I just not have it today?" Before, the answer was always that I was weak willed and/or lazy, even when it wasn't true. Today, I just accepted that I didn't have it. And as it turns out, given how drained I felt afterward, its pretty clear that I put in my best effort for today. On top of that, as much as I was skipping poses, I never beat myself up over it.

The only lingering doubt I have is this: I knew a crash was coming. So, having anticipated it, did I somehow build it up into something bigger than it otherwise would have been. I don't know the answer, but I don't think so. And I'm not going to worry about it too much.

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