14/20 Connection with others

Tuesday 8:30 am with Lenette

I missed posting yesterday because we went on a road trip: a five hour drive to Fort Worth, followed by a wonderful piano recital by Yendi Li who won the Chopin Competition a few years back, followed by the five hour drive home -- getting back at 3am.  On top of that, the leisurely trip tensed up a little when we got a flat tire about half way there and then discovered that the spare was also flat.  Roadside assistance managed to get us off the road, plug the spare well enough to make it barely roadworthy, and get us moving again.  We opted to try to get to Fort Worth and made it with 10 minutes to spare.  And the spare tire had only dropped in pressure from 32 to 20 lbs.  We got home OK, filling the spare only twice.  The good news is that I managed to stay calm despite the road troubles, the tight squeeze in making the concert, and having no dinner.  I think, in substantial part, I owe that calmness to yoga.

Class in the morning was good.  Lenette gave me some good pointers on Standing Separate Head to Floor.  She showed me how to bend one knee at a time to grab the outsides of my feet even with my legs spread really wide.  She then pointed out the spot in the middle of my back that I need to concentrate on lengthening.  This help made for an unusually deep stretch, and combined with the Yanzi's car seat (which I detest) and ten hours of driving, I was really feeling it in my hips by the time we got home last night.  

I've got to be careful in this pose:  its what caused the sciatic pain before.  And yet, I'd really like to start making some progress with this pose as well.  So there is a tension there between caution and desire that I need to puzzle through.

The high point in class was Lenette's reaction to my Fixed Firm.  She looked at my feet and said "That looks really good, Duffy."  I've been working really hard on getting my feet to point to the back in this pose, and its nice to hear that the efforts are visibly paying off.

In Gates' meditation, somehow non-harming has morphed into the connected nature of all people (and perhaps more).  Here's my guess as to how this leap comes about:  as you practice non-harming you also begin to focus on what it means and what effects it has.  One of the main things that comes about through this process is the realization that we should not harm others because we are connected to them.  This calls to mind the buddhist vow:  "I shall become enlightened for the sake of all living things."  And also the christian idea that we are all one in the body of Christ.  The same idea probably crops up in other interesting places as well.

Two other thoughts from today's meditation:  Gates talks about how his fear of rejection has sometimes hindered his ability to connect with strangers.  As a basically shy person, this is something I can relate to very easily.  It's not easy for me to engage with strangers, and I think this is partially out of fear.  And, as he noted earlier, the fear is in some ways mingled with a sense of pride.  Sometimes, with strangers, I feel like the teenager at a dance who stands alone or with a friend or two off to the side, not dancing and feeling "above all that," but really not dancing because we were scared shitless that any girl we might want to dance with would say no.  It would be a blessing if the practice of non-harming could help to exorcise that small demon .

The last and most optimistic part of todays meditation is the idea that observing the yamas and niyamas, which might seem onerous before you start, is actually much easier to do than most people think.  And its easy because it fits with us -- because it is right, it feels right.  Or, borrowing from the Messiah - its yoke is easy and its burden is light.  I can't say at this point whether I agree with this point or not, but it certainly makes it easier to give these ideas a chance.

13/19 Nonharming

Sunday off.

Monday 10:30 with Danielle

We started a new 60 day challenge today.  I took yesterday off as a day to rest before embarking on another challenge.  I haven't decided yet how I will go about this challenge.  Donna, who also did a full 60 classes last time, says that she doesn't know yet whether she will do the full 60, or do the "wimpy" challenge.  That would be shooting just for 40 classes in 60 days.  That's enough to get the free two weeks as a reward, but I don't think I could do that and accept the reward.

Today's class was very nice.  Danielle is getting better each week in her ability to encourage people, and in giving corrections and guidance between the poses.  She keeps a fairly high level of energy in the class.  The only "problem" I have with her is that her classes regularly run about 10 minutes short.  It only feels that way in some of the standing postures, notably Awkward and Triangle.  And I still feel good after class, so its not really a problem.

In the last two days, we finally get to the first of the yamas: non-harming.  The first thing that strikes me is how broad and seemingly vague the concept is.  The yamas, as far as I know, don't come with a guide to their interpretation.  How to interpret them is largely up to the practitioner, and this means that there will be lots of room for disagreement.  For example, for some the idea of non-harming leads to being a vegan.  Others don't draw that conclusion.  

In a different way, Gates seems to think that his competitive past is somehow contrary to this principle.  And perhaps it is for him.  But there have been asana competitions in India for a long, long time.  Gates may get so involved in his competitive spirit that he sees no distinction between winning and destroying his competition.  Personally, I don't have that problem, and have been able to compete at many things without engaging in any harmful thoughts or activities.

Another point that I think is interesting is that the principle applies to actions, words, and thoughts.  That makes me wonder how thoughts can harm.  From a Cartesian, dualistic perspective, that idea seems strange.  But, of course, Yoga seeks a unity of mind and body.  In that unification, harmful thoughts will hurt yourself.  And that's something I can easily relate to.  Just getting angry or impatient with a stranger, even if the stranger doesn't notice it, can set me back for awhile and can interfere with how I deal with other people.  

The more difficult question is how one can actually observe the principle of non-harming when it comes to thought.  It's easy to control what you do, and what you say, but not so obviously easy to control what you think.  This reminds me of a guitar lesson I had a long time ago, where I was learning improvisation.  At a certain point in the improvisation, I played a blue note, and it sounded really good.  My teacher stopped me and asked me what I had played, and why I had played it.  I couldn't say what note it was, and I told him I played it because I "heard" it.  He said fine, but remember, when improvising you can control what you hear.  If that's true of musical thought, why not about the attitude of our thoughts in general?

I haven't touched much on the Day 19 meditation, which deals with light and darkness.  Perhaps I will take that up tomorrow.

12/17 - Love in Action

9:30 am with Connease

No breakthroughs, but a good class anyways.  I mention no breakthroughs because I predicted one might be coming based on yesterdays soreness. I've still got the soreness though, so there's still hope.

Class started cold and humid, which never bodes well.  I bailed on one standing posture (Separate Leg Head to Knee, second set), and on one third part of Locust.  It was also fairly crowded, with 39 people.  

A crowded class always makes me happy.  It means Amy is doing well, which is good for everyone, because that means the studio will stay open.  I often wonder about the economics of the studio.  About a week ago, Amy said that she needs an average of eight people to keep a class.  Recently I haven't been in a class smaller than 15, and thats really good.

Gates postpones getting to the yamas and niyamas for at least one more day, while he makes another small, general observation.  The quote that precedes today's passage is  1 John 3:18:  "Let us not love in word or thought, but in deed and truth."  Gates says that the purely practical aspects of yoga -- yamas, niyamas, asanas, and pranayama -- are nothing more than love in action.  This is a pretty amazing idea.  Again, there might be good reason to be sceptical of this idea.  But, as I said before, its a purely practical thing -- either it will work or it won't.  This is just the sort of thing where I think Pascal's Wager actually does apply:  if you try it and it works, you gain so much.  If you try it and it doesn't work, you lose hardly anything at all.  And without trying, you certainly gain nothing.

On top of this, there are two other amazing ideas today.  The first is that yoga shuns failure: as long as you are honestly trying, you are on a path toward redemption, of mind, body, and spirit.  This doesn't mean that everything is OK, just that when you do stumble, its perfectly to get up and try to keep moving in the right direction.  This fits very well with the early emphasis on the pointlessness of punishing ourselves.

The other idea that is amazing is that the practice of yoga generates positive energy, and that this positive energy makes it possible to generate even more.  I've certainly found that just going to class gives me more energy in general.  It also tends to make me more efficient, and to want to be more helpful and productive.  And from what he says, it appears that I'm just scratching the surface.

11/16 Digging Deeper

10:30 am with Miranda

I'm not sure what I did, but I must have been working really hard today.  My upper back and shoulders are tight.  My neck has cracked a few times.  And I've got a deep soreness in my butt.  Otherwise I feel really good.  I've been told before that a new stiffness like I feel in my shoulders is often the sign of a breakthrough coming.  One can hope.

I tried the Manduka mat again today.  It definitely makes it harder to balance, and makes Fixed Firm more difficult.  I still can't decide if this is a good or bad thing.  Basically, I like the mat.  And I think that the surface shouldn't matter that much.  So, I think that if I learn to balance on the harder mat, then I will be that much better at balancing.  But I still haven't made a final decision.

Today Gates talks about people feeling something missing in their practice and trying lots of new things -- postures, styles, routines, etc... -- to fill the void.   Instead, he says the problem is often cured by introducing people to the yamas and niyamas.  These are yogas "do's and dont's", a loose analogue to the ten commandments.  Instead of constantly digging new wells, he encourages us to dig deeper.

When I first picked up Meditations from the Mat, I didn't have any feeling that something was lacking.  Rather, I was overwhelmed with the changes I was feeling in the early phases of my practice, and I wanted to read more about yoga in general, so I could maybe put what was happening to me into a larger framework.

What's interesting to me, however, is that I decided to change the emphasis of this blog precisely because I had the nagging feeling that something was missing.  I focused so much on the minutiae of the postures, and on making physical progress, that I felt I was holding myself back.  And I had the feeling that I was losing the bigger picture.  So I decided to turn to this book.

It turns out that I was taking Gates' advice about digging deeper, without even remembering it.  Perhaps I did learn something the first time around.  

There's one other point about digging deeper that I find very encouraging.  Many people complain that they ultimately become bored with Bikram because its the same 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises.  I've heard that Emmy Cleaves, who has been teaching for over 30 years, wonders how someone could get bored when there are TWENTY SIX postures and TWO breathing exercises.  There's so much there, she says, that she could study it in more depth forever.  I think that's part of what going deeper means.  

In some ways, its like Chinese and Japanese artists, who may paint the same painting thousands of times.  The quest isn't to find something new or original, but to get to some sort of ideal form using a time-honored, classical approach.  In Yoga we may be doing the same thing with our bodies and these classic poses, digging ever deeper to approach some idealized form.  But to get there involves more than just a flexible body.  It requires the cooperation of mind and spirit.  And that's where the yamas and niyamas will play a role.

10/15

Day off.

Gates talks about using our senses, directing our gaze, to become present.  Lenette is the only teacher I have who really concentrates on where, and how, we are looking.  Again and again, she says, "Your eyes, your eyes in the mirror."  And she will call people out if they start looking around at how other people are doing:  "Yoga is not a spectator sport."

The part of Bikram that this passage reminds me of is Savasana.  Here, we are told to fix our eyes on one point on the ceiling.  Ours is nothing but hardened sprayfoam insulation painted a really ugly shade of brown.  There was a time when I tried to find funny faces in the swirls of foam, sort of like picking out figures in the clouds.  But I've given that up, and now I just pick a blob and stare, when I can manage to stay that still.

We keep our eyes open through Savasana to remain present.  The goal is to be aware of our senses, and still at the same time.  Gates likens this practice to the training of Crazy Horse on the prarie.  That makes me wonder whether it is harder or easier to "see what is there" when you have lots and lots of sensory input, or when you are just focused on your own eyes or on some brown blob on the ceiling.  On that point, I honestly don't know.

10/14 The Importance of Rest

10:30 with Lenette

I pushed really hard today, and I'm feeling it a bit now.  Every once in a while I get a tender feeling in my hip which screams at me to back off or face some more sciatic pain.  So, I need to be a bit more careful about my limits tomorrow.

Lenettes classes are always fun.  Today she was talking about laughter and being silly.  She mentioned a "lecture" by an accomplished yogi from India where the yogi did nothing but tell jokes and get everyone laughing.  The jokes didn't have deep spiritual meaning.  That meaning came through the laughter itself  -- when we are genuinely laughing, we also tend to be more completely present.  Laughter involves an inherent union between mind and body, and thus its a particularly good gateway to yoga.

Having said that, if there are a few laughs in class, it definitely makes the time pass better.  It also seems to make it easier to focus when in the postures.  The laughter acts as a break, a respite, from the serious work of the poses.

And that leads to today's passage.  Gate's talks about the importance of rest on a purely practical level.  If you are having a tough time, take a knee.  Think of that rest as part of the practice.  There's nothing wrong with sitting out when you need to.

I don't think Bikram practitioners have any problem with this.  Yes, there are times when I push too hard and don't sit out a pose when I probably should.  But the rule I've been following is that I must sit out if I can't control my breath.  That rule has been working pretty well for me.

Also, Bikram builds rest into the practice itself.  At the beginning, Lenette was pretty fond of saying that the Savasanas on the floor, between each pose, were one of the things that set Bikram apart.  Unlike other forms of yoga, Bikram's series builds active rest right into the program.

Gates also talks about resting during a pose.  He says if you are pushing too hard and get overwhelmed in the pose, then simply back off some, hang out, and then push it again.  On its face, this seems contrary to Bikram practice.  In Bikram, as I understand it, you are either in or out.  There are no half measures.  Being in means pushing as hard as you can while still keeping control of your breath.  Out means taking a knee, or going into Savasana.

I'm thinking that the difference may stem from Bikram poses not being held that long.  In Sivanandra classes, we held the seated forward stretch for as long as five minutes.  In Bikram, that would be several eternities.  When the pose is held that long, perhaps it makes sense to find a way to rest in the pose, and then to increase the intensity.

Another possible difference is that Bikram does two sets of each pose.  Thus, in the series itself, there is already the idea that we will ease up on the pose, and then try to go deeper again in the second set.  In this way, what Bikram has us do looks similar to Gate's idea of resting.  Except we don't rest in the pose itself.  Instead we rinse and repeat.

The practical question I have about this is whether people in Gates' classes regularly go so deep in poses that they lose control of their breath.  So long as breath in in control, I don't understand why there would be a need to rest in the pose.  I think, on this point, I must be missing something.

And without further explanation, I'm going to stick with my teachers' advice: in or out, no compromising in the pose.  Then rest during the rest times.  Perhaps when/if I try another school of yoga, I will be able to see more clearly what Gates means here.

9/13 Going Meta

10:30 am with Danielle

Toward the end of the standing series, I thought the class was going too fast.  Danielle is a new teacher, so I thought she was holding the poses too short.  Then I looked at the clock, and it turned out we were right on schedule.  At that point, I re-evaluated and decided I was having a really good time.

That lasted until near the end, when I got a wicked cramp in my right foot.  Usually, if I cramp up, it will be either in Fixed Firm or maybe Camel.  Today it was in the final stretch, which I had to sit out for awhile to massage my foot.  I didn't feel like I was working that hard, so I'm not sure where the cramps came from.

Also, I used my spiffy new rubber mat from Manduka for the first time.  It was a Christmas present, and its really heavy and thick.  I used my sisters on the hard wood floor when I practiced in NY.  Today, I found I had some of the same difficulties that I had then.  The mat is so thick that it tempers the softness of the carpet.  This, for me, made it harder to balance.  And it made it harder to go as deep in Fixed Firm.  In an odd way, I think the extra difficulty is probably a good thing, especially in Fixed Firm  I felt a deeper stretch in my feet.  Of course, that may have led to the cramping.

In today's passage, Gates warns against being too harsh in self judgment, especially in judging your judgments.  Getting angry with yourself over your anger, getting frustrated with your frustrations, becoming disappointed at feeling disappointed -- these can all lead to an endless spiral of negativity.

One of the goals we strive toward is to "be present."  Judging yourself, whether positively or negatively, takes you one step away from that goal.  So judging your judgment takes you two steps away, and so on.

The other point is that chastising yourself for your negative feelings simply won't work.  You don't get rid of negative feelings by punishing yourself for having them.  Rather, that way just leads to more negativity.  Instead, Gates suggests that the answer is to observe these feelings and let them go.   

Then, out of nowhere, he says that instead of shutting out the negative parts of yourself, spiritual practice should turn on the light of love.  This introduction of love is very striking.  I think its the first time he has mentioned it, and I'm not quite sure what he means, but I'm pretty sure we will be hearing much more about it. 

8/12 Fear, Pride, Judgment

Day off

I had an exchange of emails today with my sister and brother.  My sister just started Bikram, and she says that she loves it even though she stinks at it.  Even though I know what she means, and from that standpoint I pretty much stink at it as well, I answered that being good at Bikram means nothing more than trying your best and making gradual improvements.

So today's passage was especially fitting.  Gates says that he sees beginners all the time coming to class with the same obstacles: fear and pride.  Pride sets a standard, and then we pass judgment on ourselves and approach the practice with fear that we won't live up to that judgment.  I've noticed again and again that athletes, and experienced yogis from other disciplines, tend not to return.  I think they get beat up more than their pride can stand, and decide its not for them.  On the other hand, people in terrible shape tend to come back more frequently.  Here, I think we (since I was one myself) come to Bikram with very low expectations from ourselves.  Even with those low expectations, we might fail to live up to them.  But the benefits are so immediately obvious, that it also becomes easy to overcome our disappointment with ourselves.  So we come back for more benefit, and perhaps learn either to discard or live up to our expectations.

Gates says that discarding expectations is the key to long term success.  That's one of the reasons I changed the format of this blog:  I had the feeling that analyzing each posture, each day, was getting in the way of my progress.  Worse, it was making the yoga itself feel a bit stale.  Since I've switched the format, I'm starting to see the classes again as part of a bigger picture, and I look forward to them much more.

Having said that, its really tough to let go of expectation and judgment.   It can happen in some moments.   I'll be in a pose and everything is going nicely, and then I realize its going nicely, and that blows the moment.  The "ah-ah" moment, the moment of being pleased with what I've done, actually seems to dampen the pleasure.  

Of course, this is much less a problem than getting frustrated or down on myself for some shortcoming.  For that problem, the best advice I've gotten is from Bill Johns, who sold us our pianos and first told my wife about Bikram.  He said that the most important thing to do is to "be kind to yourself."

8/11 Practice and priorities

2:30 pm with Miranda

We set a new record today -- there were 57 people in class.  It was packed., with about 4-6 inches between mats.  In Full Locust, I nearly took the eye out of the guy to my right.  And it started out really cold, like 80 degrees, but did warm up.  And the cold wasn't so bad because the energy level in the room was so high.  Well, my flexibility was a bit off, especially in poses like Fixed Firm and Camel.  But other times when it's been so cold, its taken a mental toll.  Today, I felt fine and was able to adjust my practice to the conditions.

Today's passage has two big, and probably interrelated points.  First, practice is whatever we do with regularity, and without regard for what's happening externally.  Gates puts it in these bare turns, but then he says its a matter of priorities.  He talks about winos who manage to get liquor even though they are destitute.  And he says that yogis are people who have turned to a practice of spiritual growth.

I like this, but I think there's a difference between practice, in the sense he means, and purely habitual things or pastimes.  A practice, combined with the sense of priority, becomes a matter of devotion.   At the start, going to class was partially a matter of will (and guilt).  I forced myself to make it a priority.  At some point, devotion seems to have taken over, and making it a priority is no longer a question at all.

The interesting thing about this is that it now becomes very hard for me to think of ways to persuade others that they should also make it a priority.  I can tell them all about the benefits.  But if they say they don't have the time, all that means is that the benefits don't mean that much to them -- they aren't that high a priority.  In the end, the best I seem to be able to do is to tell them to try it and see for themselves.  And, where the talk should work and doesn't, the yoga often speaks for itself.

7/10 Continued

The tenth passage reflects a bit more on renunciation.  The main point is that before a person is ready to renounce something, it seems pointless; but when ready, it is almost effortless and rejuvenating.  In some ways, this is like only one psychiatrist being needed to change a lightbulb, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.

I think Gates gives a good description here, and it may help me to understand what happened.  And he's basically saying that renunciation either feels right, or it is impossible.  For it to feel right, the groundwork must be paved beforehand.  But he doesn't address here how you pave the way.  So in the end, he seems to be describing a process much like a dog losing its puppy teeth:  the adult teeth are already there underneath the lost teeth.  Or like a butterfly shedding its cocoon.    The description is fine, but for some reason I don't see the power in this passage that he seems to think is there.

7/10

Friday 10:30 am with Miranda

Saturday 9:30 am with Amy

I missed posting yesterday, and its a bit more problematic with the daily passages from Meditations from the Mat, but I'll press along as best I can.

Yesterday's class was really nice.  My balance was good, and I felt very focused throughout.  I managed not to fall out of Standing Head to Knee for the first time in a long time.  I've backed up a bit in this pose recently.  I typically don't try to kick out in the first set, making really sure that I'm keeping a solidly locked knee.  I felt good in the other poses, and I even picked up both hands in Toe Stand for a microsecond.

This morning was one of those cold, sweaty mornings.  The humidifier never went on and it was still like 60% humidity.  The heat wasn't that high, but that never seems to matter when its that humid, at least not for me.  I sat out one set at the end of standing series, but otherwise was fine until Rabbit, when I just seemed to run out of air.  I came out of both sets of Rabbit early, then caught up with my breath and was fine again.

The high point today was Fixed Firm.  I got down all the way on my back.  Then came out of it because my knees were wanting to lift up, and I'm really trying to be careful on this one.  I also got a compliment from Amy on the first backbend, of all things.  I never get compliments on this pose, so that made me feel really good.  And I got a "beautiful" for my Triangle.  I wouldn't have gone that far, but it is looking better these days.

The last two days present two difficult passages.  The first passage basically has two thoughts:  1) shit happens and your practice isn't going to change that; 2) a commitment to your practice will help you when shit does happen; and 3) the commitment doesn't come through strength of will or determination, but rather through engaging in the practice itself.

The third idea I think is the most profound.  In some ways, what I think he's saying that the practice and the attitude that goes along with practice becomes a habit of being, and the more you engage in it, the more firmly rooted that habit will become.  This accords some with my limited exposure.  Before doing the first 60 day challenge, it seemed like it would be an enormous commitment, taking lots of determination.  There's another challenge coming up, and I may or may not do it, but doing it would only slightly push me beyond what I'm doing now.  

And I don't think this is because the yoga gets easier.   From what I can tell, it does not.  Instead, it seems like its just becoming a part of me, so the ease or the difficulty of it may not be relevant anymore.

I'm going to think some more on the Day 10 passage and post about it later...

5/8 Stripping away the unnecessary

Day off.

Renunciation, it turns out, is at least partially a process of letting go things that are not needed.  Bikram emphasizes this quite a bit in our practice.  Bit by bit, we try to do without all the little things we think we need for comfort:  our little fidgeting, wiping sweat off our bodies, adjusting our towels, drinking too much water, bending forward to gasp for air.  Even in an environment where there are no props, where we are basically naked, and there is little external distraction, even there it is so easy to invent "needs". 

It turns out that stripping away what's not needed may be a pretty good idea in general.  This one is a bit tough for me.  I've been a collector at heart for many years.  If I decide I like a musician, for example, it is easy for me to get obsessed with getting everything the musician has recorded.  Same goes for books, for camera lenses, etc... It's so easy to invent needs, and easy to take comfort from Shakespeare's "O reason not the need..." speech from King Lear.  But then, Lear's needs ultimately forced him into a lonely, mad death.  So as much sense as his speech may have made, it didn't lead to any good result.  Maybe there's a message there.

In some ways, instead of being like Lear, I think this passage makes me think of myself as being more like Steve Martin at the end of The Jerk, where he's lost his fortune, his wife and everything else and says he doesn't need any of it.  And with the ease of google, I found it:

And that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.

So, I understand what Gates is driving at.  In my practice, I've even made some strides in this direction.  And, to a certain extent, I've done the same at home.  For example, a couple of months ago I gave away about seven boxes of books.  Thus, I feel it safe to declare that I don't need any of my day to day trappings ... except this ashtray...

5/7 Changing the World One Camel at a Time - Redux

8:15 with Amy

Great class tonight.  I felt really with it all the way through, and pushed harder than usual through standing series -- so hard that I had to sit out one set of Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee.  Everything just felt right today.  The class was smallish, with 10 people, but everyone had really strong practices and the energy was very high.  

Amy's exuberance and enthusiasm was also refreshing.  It's been a while since I've had her class.  She has a natural effervescence that is infectious.  So even though her classes tend to be on the hard side, they usually wind up being very satisfying.

Several months back I made a post called Changing the World One Camel at a Time.  It was in response to some things that Lenette said.  Basically how each posture brings with it the opportunity to improve your attitude about the world, and how the world of the happy man is different from the world of an unhappy man.  So, by doing your yoga, you basically get the power to change your world, from the inside out.

Today's passage reminds me of that.  There are three basic points here:  First, heal yourself before you start to heal others.  That happiness and joy are naturally contagious:  happy people tend to make others happy as well, and vice versa.  And finally, that yoga is the means by which you can heal yourself.  Every step on any of the eight limbs of yoga will naturally increase your own happiness and peace of mind, which in turn will spread to others.

The philosophy major/critic wants to pull apart these ideas, largely because there are so many ways that a person can fool himself about the direction he's moving in.  So how would you know that you are going the right way.  The great thing about yoga is that it's almost purely practical.  You just do it, and things get better.  There's no need to be hyper-critical, because the test is whether its working.  

The last nine months have given me ample proof that, at least so far, it works.  I'm happier than I've been in a long time.  I am much less prone to argue just for the sake of arguing.  I am more likely to be helpful with friends or strangers.  And there is absolutely no arguing with how much better I feel because of the physical benefits.  And I still feel like I've just touched the tip of a very deep iceberg.   So I see no point in being critical about this passage.  It's so much easier to tell someone just to try it and see.  If they don't see, that's too bad for them.  But there really is no need to convince anyone about this with argument.   The practice proves itself, especially after a class like tonight's, where everything seems absolutely right.

4/6 Practice and Renunciation

8:30 am with Danielle

Class was mostly good.  I'm making gradual progress in Fixed Firm and on my left hamstring in the final stretches.  Balancing was better, but my toe was still bothering me.  For the most part, I kept a pretty good focus.  But there were times when I caught myself planning my day.  I don't usually have that problem in the morning.  But for some reason, early on, my mind was prone to wandering.  I settled down somewhere in the balancing series and things got better from there.

Today's passage puzzled me.  Gates talks about practice and renunciation.  One point he makes I think is exactly on target.   If you plan to renounce something, and then don't back up the plan with clear action (practice), then you are almost bound to fail.  This seems pretty obvious to me.

Another point he makes has become clear to me more recently.  He says that habits that seem to drop out of your life when you start yoga may not actually be quite so hard to break.  The practice by itself may not be enough to break the old, bad habits.  I dropped a bunch of weight when I started Yoga, simply because I had, sort of miraculously, found out that sometimes I wasn't hungry when there was food before me.  I also drank lots more water, and didn't snack so much.  But I didn't do any of this with any conscious effort.  Gradually, I've found myself slipping into some old habits as I've gotten more used to the yoga practice.  I'm not leaving stuff on my plate as often, and I am snacking more often.  It hasn't had any ill effect yet, but I can see that it might.  So, here is an example where the practice might have to come together with some kind of renunciation.

On the flip side, I deliberately gave up soda last February.  I think the yoga practice has helped me keep this commitment.  And I also tend to think that I haven't slipped here because I made a clear commitment not to do it anymore.

Now, for what puzzles me.  Yesterday, the idea was not to focus on being negative.  In some ways, renunciation seems to me to be a very negative idea.  I'm thinking of the "If thy eye offends thee, then pluck it out" sort of renunciation.   So yesterday, I was stoked by the idea that you just ignore your bad habits, and focus on the positive, and the bad stuff melts away.   Now I see a different message, and one that shows there is hard work ahead.  Maybe it wouldn't sound so negative if Gates used the other word he says is a substitute: non-attachment.   Committing to non-attachment seems much more neutral (but also less active) than renunciation.  I guess the trick here is to learn how to renounce some bad habit or attitude without also beating yourself up, or punishing yourself, over it.  

3/5 Accentuate the Positive

Day Off

Today's lesson is to redirect towards positive actions whenever you catch yourself doing anything negative.  Gate's says its a kind of universal prescription when you find yourself going astray.

The Gershwin song says "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, don't mess with Mr. In-between."  But that's not right.  Instead, Gates says to accentuate the positive, and just don't mess with the negative or Mr. In-between.  Acknowledge it, and let it pass by.

The thing to avoid is beating yourself up.  It's productive of anything.  That's why I'm not chastising myself for not going to class today.  Or did I just do that, by mentioning it?

The odd thing is that for people, we consider this idea to be kind of unique and spiritual.  And yet, its entirely second nature now in the world of animal training and positive reinforcement.  My sisters would reduce this idea to:  "You get the behavior you reward."  You get positive behaviors from animals by consistently rewarding it.  And you get rid of negative behavior by ignoring it.  And the way to stop an animal from doing something you don't like, but it finds rewarding, is to redirect its energy to something it finds even more rewarding.  Punishments have gone out of style because they are less effective, and because they tend to kill the relationship between the trainer and the animal.

So, it looks like what works for animals could work for people as well.  I'm not surprised.  And taking my side of the analogy a step further:  if punishing an animal can kill your relationship with it, then just imagine what we do to ourselves when we punish ourselves over little things.  

Gates also talks about how he learned to redirect his energies to the positive by asking "How can I help?" instead of "What's in it for me?"  This is a great idea as well, though I suspect there are many other ways to redirect energies in a positive way.  What strikes me is that the nature of the question he decided to use seems to have determined his later direction in life.  He started asking "How can I help?" and became a teacher.  Pretty interesting.

3/4 -- Keep Paddling

2:30 pm with Miranda

The room was really crowded today.  We had 45 in class, which may be a record, at least while I was there.  In some ways, its amazing how little difference a crowded room makes.  By the time we get to Eagle, there is me, the person on each side, and one or two people behind me.  Then there are shapes of bodies, and for the most part, that's all the other people in class register as.  And of course, there's Miranda's voice, coming from above, so that I can't even really keep track of where she is in the room, since her voice always comes from the same place.

The new wrinkle in today's class came from a new injury.  Not a yoga injury, but a sheer stupidity injury.  Getting into the shower this morning, I jammed my toe pretty badly.  I didn't realize that it was so bad until I took my sock off going into class.  The middle toe on the right foot is about twice it's normal size, and a nice shade of violet.  When I tried to wiggle it, I thought it might be broken.  It isn't, I don't think.  But it doesn't feel very good.

It had some strange effects on the practice.  I almost fell down in half moon.  That was fun.  I had no idea that I was grabbing so much with my toes to keep my balance in the side bends.  Balancing on the right foot was a bit tricky.  Going up on my toes in awkward was not pleasant.  But all that was basically manageable, until Rabbit.  I also was not that aware of how tightly I wrap the towel around my feet in the set-up.  This was the only thing in the whole class that actually caused some real pain -- go figure.  Otherwise, it was a fairly solid class.

Gates talks about three things that really grabbed my attention today.  First, he says that the mat is a place where it's OK to let go of control.  Zeb used to say at the beginning of class "my mind and your body"  and I think he may have been getting at something similar.  This is tough for me to do.  To me, it seems a bit contrary to the idea that we are seeking to unify body and mind.  It seems counter-intuitive that the way to link mind and body is to let go of the mind.  But then, on matters like this, what do I know.

The other part of this that's a bit troubling is: How do you let go?  Here it's a bit like talking about faith.  I've never been convinced that a person can simply choose to believe something.  Nor is it obvious to me that it is a simple matter just to choose to give up control.  In this way, I think the dialogue might be a big help.  I may not be able, right now, to just lose control.  But I'm perfectly happy to let someone else steer the ship for awhile, and maybe that's a start.

Gates says yoga is like a river, and our mats are like canoes.  If you hit whitewater, keep paddling.  If you get into still pools, keep paddling.  Here the idea is simple, and its something I've said before.  The cure for most of the ills that yoga causes seems to be more yoga.  The best way to get out of a rut in yoga practice is by doing more yoga.  So, here is advice that I've already discovered on my own.  But I like the way he puts it:  keep paddling.

Finally this from a Hopi elder:  "[W]e are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves, for the moment we do that, our spiritual growth comes to a halt."  Lenette is fond of Bikram telling people to kill themselves in class.  The idea being that you kill your self (ego) so that you can discover a truer self.  Gates asks us to give up control, which I think is a way of losing yourself in what you are doing.  And the Hopi elder says to take nothing personally.  All three point in the same direction, and the direction is clear.  But even so, I still feel a bit as though there is a signpost on a road leading towards a river, but the bridge is out.

2/3 -- Everything, all the time

9:30 am with Danielle

It was a hot class today, and crowded.  I was running on too little sleep, a little less than 6 hours, and also a bit dehydrated.  Despite that, I felt pretty good through the standing series.  Then I began to wear down in the floor series, which is a bit unusual.  My mat was in an area with no circulation, and somewhere around Cobra I started to just feel hot.  It wasn't quite oppressive, but I also could not just let the heat wash away either, and it stuck with me through the end.  The biggest outward sign, I think, was that I came out of one of the Rabbit poses too early.

Today's passage confirms what I was thinking yesterday, but in an even broader way than I had thought.  Not only is the path not linear, but Gates says when we are doing yoga we are always pushing are way down each of the eight paths at once.  Thus, every posture involves or can involve breathing, concentration, meditation, etc...  Not only that, but Gates insists that we can take what we learn from the "lab" of our mat, and bring it to every part of our life.  

Thus, in the end, we come to practice yoga always, in all things.  It's a great thought.  But, honestly, on days like today I'm thankful if I'm practicing some part of yoga through short stretches of the class.  And when class is tough, it can be that much tougher to just let it wash over you that the person in front of you at the express line has 30 items, a bunch of coupons, and is going to write a check but not have the check cashing card in her wallet.  Part of me understands the theory, but I'm more and more beginning to see why it's a practice.  And for now, its little things, sometimes.  And perhaps with more application, it will grow into something closer to everything all the time.

1/2 - Action to Knowledge to Liberation

6:30 pm class with Miranda

For the new year, and the new plan for this blog, I decided to start a new running count.  In part, this will help me keep track of which day I'm on in Meditations from the Mat.  So from that standpoint, it's purely practical.  But it also shows a new beginning, which is kind of what I'm after anyways.

For anyone who wants to keep a running tally from the beginning of the first 60 day challenge, just remember to add 169/195 to the new tally.  169 and 195 are easy numbers to remember, so there shouldn't be much problem for anyone keeping score.

Class was fun today.  The heat was way up, starting about 106, but it came down a bit during the class, and it just sort of melted through me.  Class went quickly, and I worked hard while keeping my smiling happy face for the most part.  I felt better in Balancing series than I have in a while.  The back strengthening was good, if still painful.  I'll know I've really hit onto something good when I start looking forward to those four poses.

Today's passage outlined the eight spokes of traditional yoga.  Four are spirituality in action:  the yamas, niyamas, asanas, and pranayama.  The yamas and niyamas are kind of like the yoga analog to the ten commandments.  Asanas and pranayama are the obvious stuff that goes on in class.  These are the more physical, and accessible, aspects of yoga.

The other four spokes are pratayahana, dharana, dhyana and samadhi.  The first is drawing inward, the second is a kind of concentration, the third is meditation, and the last is union with the object of meditation, enlightenment, oneness.  As near as I can tell, and that's not very much, I think the last part is basically ineffable and a bit mystical. 

Again there are two parts today that especially struck me.  First, Gates says that following this eightfold path leads one from action to knowledge to liberation.  If so, then I'm definitely on the "action" side of this route right now.  But its pretty clear to me that this is not a linear course.   I think, from time to time, I get some glimmering of understanding about what I'm doing and why.  And I've even occaisonally, as I noted yesterday, had a few classes, or parts of classes, where time seemed to vanish and everything seemed right.  I'm assuming that that's a part of what Gate's means by liberation.  And as I said before, its the promise of reliving those moments that, in part, keeps me going.

The other comment that struck me is Gate's insistence that all is needed when one starts a yoga practice is a willingness to grow along spiritual lines.  I have a hard time talking about spiritual things, so this part of the program will challenge me.  I came to Bikram from a gym because I liked the yoga classes there, and wanted to try something a bit more intense and more authentic.  Like most people, I came looking for a workout and some health benefits.  I was very surprised about the way the practice changed my thinking, my attitudes, the way I treat others on a day to day basis.  I first thought of it as a side benefit.  Now, its looking like my original objectives may be the side benefits.  But I suspect that at some point, I might really understand that there is no "side benefit" at all, and that it's more like a package deal. 

161/197 Celebrating What Is

New Years Day Off

There was a 2:30 class today, but its my wedding anniversary and I spent the day with my wife.  So, right off the bat I killed any chance of doing 365 classes in a row this year.

Meditations from the Mat starts off with some general thoughts on why yoga is taking off in the west.  In keeping with his optimism, Gates thinks it comes from westerners trying to retreat from unbalanced ways of life and trying to find a return to something that is balanced.  I'm not sure I agree about that part of it, but it is a very positive way to look at it.

Two things particularly struck me here.  First, he compared yoga to the Wizard of Oz.  He said that yoga is a journey that leads you home.  Like Dorothy in Oz, the way home was always there for her, and the journey and her adventures were just a way for her finally learning to accept that.  Just a few weeks ago, Lenette also made the Wizard of Oz connection, by quoting the America song, Tin Man:  "Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man that he didn't, didn't already have."  The idea is that everything that you need for your well being has already been included.  It's about as hopeful thought as I can imagine.

The other quote that I loved from this first day is the simple definition of yoga:  "Yoga is the practice of celebrating what is."  There have been a few classes that have simply flown by, where I have been absolutely happy to be in the room, sweating my butt off, and doing my best at the poses.  One of the reasons I keep going is in the hope that that I will again have that sort of magical experience.  I think Gates here is saying that yoga is the practice of gaining that sort of experience on a regular basis, and then perhaps applying that same thing both on and off the mat.  If so, again I think its an extraordinarily hopeful statement. 

161/196 Happy New Year

9:30 am with Lenette

Only my second day back after break, and I was back into the form I left with.  It also just felt good to be in the room.  It was hot, the energy in the class was very high, and Lenette taught another great class.

Today, she was encouraging everyone to take the special kindness that they bring to the Christmas holidays and simply to extend them as long as we can through the New Year.  She said she was talking to someone who told her that he felt guilty because he just gave some money to a homeless person.  Not that that was wrong, but it hit him that he passed the same guy probably countless times the rest of the year, but only thought about doing something for him now.

Class went quickly.  I didn't sit out at all, and I managed to keep a "smiling, happy face" through most of it.  I got a good correction in Toe Stand.  To me, its pretty impressive that I can attempt to do Toe Stand at all now, since it was out of the question a short while ago.  Now I have to try to sit with my heel more toward the center of my butt, especially on the left side.  And I got a compliment in Camel.  Lenette has encouraged me to push the hips forward just a bit more.  I'm getting close to where they are supposed to be, and today with just a slight bit of encouragement I got the hips vertical over the knees.

Next Year -- Meditations From the Mat

I'm going to take this blog in a somewhat new direction starting the first of the year.  There's a very fine book called Meditations From the Mat by Rolf Gates.  It has an entry for each day of the year and covers each of the branches of yoga.  I intend to focus the blog on these meditations.  I'll try to make it so that the blog makes sense without actually reading the book, but I can't promise anything.

If anyone is interested in following along, the book is here.  I recommend it.  But I won't just be writing about it; I'll still be doing much the same as I have for the last few months.

160/195 A Long Break

Monday and Tuesday Off

Wednesday 8am with Jennifer on Long Island

Thursday through Monday Off

Tuesday 9:30 am with Danielle

This holiday patch has included the least amount of yoga that I've done since starting last March.  I tried to get my sisters to come with me while visiting Long Island, but alas, they were too busy with other things. 

On Wednesday, I went to a new studio on Long Island.  It has been open for just over a week.  It's a hot yoga studio, and not affiliated with Bikram, and the teacher is one that both my sisters like very much.  The studio is a bit different, mostly because it has hardwood floors, instead of carpet.  This made more of a difference than I would have thought, especially on the balancing poses.  My feet, I guess, are used to grabbing the carpet and didn't fare as well on a rubber mat and hard wood floor.  

The other big difference was in the single leg stretches at the end.  My heel was directly on the hard wood, and it HURT.  I suppose I would get used to it, but it was really hard to focus on the rest of the pose with my bone pushing directly into the hard floor.

Jen is a good teacher, but trained differently than Bikram.  This meant that the class used the same poses as a Bikram class, but with different dialogue, slightly different set-ups, and some different points of emphasis.  For example, I don't think she said "Lock the knee" even once.  That was weird for me.  And there was a different emphasis in Cobra.  She even suggested lifting the palms from the floor there. 

Her demeanor in general was a bit mellow, and yet she still seemed able to motivate people.  And she gave me some very good corrections.  Overall, I enjoyed the class very much and would be happy to go back, painful heel and all.

The time off was a bit odd.  I kept meaning to wake up for an early class again while in NY, but the enthusiasm seemed to wear off when the alarm went off in the morning, and I stayed in.  As a result, this was a tie for the longest break I've had since starting -- the other coming immediately after the 60th day of the challenge.

Class this morning was refreshing.  I had to bail on one pose toward the end of the standing series, but otherwise I felt good, especially on the floor.  My hamstrings and lower back were a bit tight following the break, but I should be back to where I left off or better either tomorrow or on New Years day.  The best thing about today's class was that I was able to keep a smile on my face, even through half locust.

158/186

Thursday Off

Friday 10:30 am with Danielle

Sat. 9:30 am with Connease

Sun. 2:30 pm with Miranda

Wow.  This has been a long time without posting.  Classes have been just fine.  Danielle is getting more confident with each class, and Friday's was great.  Her timing was almost perfect.  I didn't notice a single dialogue mishap, and the energy in class was really good

Saturday I had two friends come to class for the first time.  It's funny, but this is the first time that people have come to my studio on my recommendation.  They both did really well.  Shelley was up and trying on every posture, and I don't think she let up once.  Delton tried to hard at the start and got knocked out pretty early on, but he got back into things and kept up a good sense of humor about the whole thing.  Even better, I think they both will be back for more.

Today's class was pretty typical for a Sunday.  Around 1 pm I started feeling hungry and a bit deprived.  But then class was really good, and the time just flew by.

I'm not sure what's happening, but there is a tenderness in my lower back that I haven't felt in months.  It doesn't feel like there is any danger of injury.  It's just a kind of sweet soreness, and I'm hoping that its a sign of things opening up, or about to open up.  Maybe it means that I'm giving extra effort in the back strengthening series or the backbends.

I noticed something odd today.  At the beginning of Awkward Pose, we are told to step to the right six inches.  I've always stepped to the right a bit and then to the left with the other foot, so that I end up with them six inches apart.  Today, I started on the left side of my mat, to let the person behind me see the mirror.  So I stepped to the right for the first time, and amazingly enough, it seemed to make a difference.  My alignment was better than it usually is, I went a bit deeper into all three sets, and it seemed a bit easier.  I cannot explain why.  If asked beforehand, I would have said that it's a trivial matter and that it shouldn't make any difference.   So here's another example of rule 1:  Do what they tell you.  Don't do what you think amounts to the same thing.  Just do what they say.  It's so easy, and I keep finding ways that I have veered from it.  And who knows, maybe there are ways where it really doesn't make a difference.  But if it doesn't make a difference, then there really is no reason not to do what they say either...

156/183

Monday 10:30 am with Lenette

Tuesday Off

Wednesday 10:30 am with Lenette

I always enjoy Lenette's classes, and always seem to learn something from them.  There two classes were no different.  There's always a sense of good humor and fellowship in her classes, and she gets it without skimping on people's motivation and effort.

Today, she coached me through Camel.  She said that the first set was good, and I was only a couple of degrees away from having my hips and legs vertical.  So she pushed me to get it completely right in the second set, and said that I had done it.  Of course, this is a pose I can't see, but if she is right, that means I'm basically in the full expression of this pose now.  That's one down and 25 to go :)

She also walked us all through Standing Separate Leg Head to Floor pose.  I've been so focused on being able to grab my feet that I've kept them closer together than they should be.  She made me, and all the rest of us with tight hamstrings, spread our legs even farther.  And she did this in a third set.  It felt really good, and quite different from what I'm used to.  And she is the only teacher at our studio who would ever put a class through a third set of anything.

On Monday, she complimented my first backbend.  It wasn't because I was going back really far, but she could see how hard I was working to keep my hands together and my elbows locked.  Then later she pointed out that I needed to straighten my wrists in Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee.  I did, and it made things alot harder.  That's another cheat I was doing out of pure ignorance.  I love when I get attention to small details like that.

I've been a bit lax about posting here.  I thought it might be laziness, or perhaps because I've been feeling my posts suffer from being repetitive.  Today it hit me that it may be something else entirely.  Again and again in class we are told to try to get beyond judging ourselves.  Part of being present in the class hinges on being able to do the poses without scolding or being too critical.  Praise has its own pitfalls.  Anyway, in some respects, I realize I have constantly been judging classes, and my own performance, through this blog.  That raises a question, and I don't know whether I can answer it satisfactorily:  How do I go about writing a somewhat interesting or worthwhile blog about my yoga classes without bringing any judgment into it?  I suppose it may be possible, but I'm not sure exactly how that would be done.

And I'm pretty well convinced that comparing my performance from one day to the next, from one set to the other, etc..., only hinders my progress in the long run.  So I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it.  Next week I will probably have five days in a row off, and I'm going to think about some new approaches to this side of the endeavor during that break.

154/180

2:30 with Miranda

Today, I felt a bit like I was back on track.  Class pretty much flew by.  The heat was up pretty high, but it felt good and not al all oppressive.  And unlike yesterday, I felt like I was putting all my effort and attention into the poses.  So, all in all, it was a good class.

Balancing was only mediocre.  I fell out of each part one time.  In Standing Head to Knee, I fall because I start to lose my balance to the outside of my foot.  I think this is an alignment issue, and I should probably go back to the first part of the pose for a while to get an even more solid knee lock.  In Standing Bow, I fall out because the stretch becomes very intense.  I should be able to overcome this with just a deeper concentration.  Basically, I think if I could learn to breath into the stretching pain, I could hold this pose longer.  But its in little things like that where the true difficulty lies.

Back strengthening was really good today.  Cobra was really good.  From class to class I can feel myself lifting up even more with just my back, and then I can get a really good stretch in the upper back.  Locust was better than its been for a while, as was Floor Bow.  After locust, I felt the beginnings of a cramp just below my left scapula.  And in Floor Bow, I could feel a real tightness/tiredness feeling in a line across my middle back.

Before class I was talking with a man who has been coming to this studio since it opened.  He has probably taken over 500 classes in the last two years, and did other yoga before this.  He said, with a touch of bemusement, that he still couldn't lock his knee.  So I watched him in a few poses.  He kicks out in Standing Head to Knee without a fully locked knee.  I don't know much, but it seems pretty clear to me that you need to learn to really lock the knee before you start to kick out.  Once you are concentrating on the kicked out leg, it's exceedingly difficult to focus on locking the standing knee.  Besides that, its dangerous and he's lucky that he hasn't hurt his back.  Then I saw him going into Fixed Firm:  He goes all the way back into the full posture, but his hips are off the ground.  Again, I thought this was dangerous.  And it probably is not giving him the full benefits of the pose.  Now I wonder if I should talk to him, and I know him well enough that I probably will.   

The point here is that he is really a good, dedicated student, and there are still some things that seem to have slipped by him.  And I'm pretty sure the same happens to all of us.  I know that I discover little adjustments I need to do in the poses all the time.  And who knows, maybe there are some really big errors that I have been making all along.  Both of the errors I saw today, I think, come from wanting to go deeper into a pose before being ready for it.  That's a huge temptation, and one that I have been trying to guard against.  But today I started inching back some in Fixed Firm myself.  Was I truly ready for it?  Or was I just trying to get deeper into the pose so I could reward myself with another breakthrough?  Sometimes it's pretty hard to tell.

153/179

Thurs 8:15 pm with Miranda

Friday off

Saturday 2:30 with Danielle

We have company visiting, so it's been harder to make it to class.  One of my favorite Woody Allen quotes is "80% of success is just showing up."  And these past few days, I'm hoping he has it right.

Thursday night's class was very good.  I don't remember much about it at all, and that's usually a good sign.  The 6:30 class had orange slices waiting for them, and I remember being a bit disappointed that they were gone after the late class.  Other than that, I can't recall anything particular about any of the poses.

I meant to go to class on Friday, but we had lunch reservations that made any of the early classes impossible.  We ate at a Brazilian churasscuria, which is basically an all you can eat steak house with about 22 different kinds of meat, each of them better than the last.  I thought about going to the 6:30 class, but was afraid of what might come up in Locust.  So I took the day off.

Then today, we had another big lunch, but there were no other options for class.  So I went to class with a full stomach, which was a first.  The idea filled me with more than a bit of terror.  But it was different than I thought.  I didn't have any problems holding the food down.  Instead, I lacked energy.  So my mind was involved, but my body wasn't responding the way it should.  I kept having the sense that it would have been a simply great class if I had gone without eating.

Danielle has already improved quite a bit.  Her dialogue was more confident.  She made only one noticeable slip.  And she seemed to have a better connection with the students than before.  The first class I took with her was solid and showed promise.  After this class, I'm pretty sure that she will develop into a really good teacher.  The only faults I could find with today's class were the pacing (too quick) and the heat (too cold for me).

I was fine in the standing series.  Had pretty good balance.  I made it through the back strengthening pretty well, and without spitting up.  Then, the extent that I dogged the class became clear in Camel and Rabbit.  Both poses were considerably less deep than usual, especially Rabbit.  I took that to mean that I had not prepared as well earlier on.  The amount that each pose builds on the earlier ones in this series is pretty incredible.  So, either my full stomach was holding me back, or I held back a bit unconsciously because of the full tummy.  Either way, its not something I want to repeat very often, and I need to make sure that I don't let myself get into the habit of dogging it.

151/176 Snow in Houston

6:30 pm with Miranda

It snowed today, which is the first time since I've been in Houston.  I heard that it snowed about 5 years ago on Christmas eve, but I was in China at the time.  I have two Samoyeds, sled dogs who have never seen snow.  So I let them frolic for longer than usual and came in just in time to get to class, but really chilled.  It was very tempting not to go, but I didn't give in and I'm glad I did not.

I didn't have much of the after cold burning sensation in my hands or my feet, and the temperature in class was perfect and felt really good.   And it was very pleasant being in the hot room and being able to look through the foggy windows at the snow falling.

Class went well.  I've found a new spot to breath through in my throat during Pranayama.  It sounds even more like a snore on the inhale.  I assume this means I'm improving, but I haven't asked anyone.  It feels a bit better than before.  It's strange to think about how varied a simple thing like breathing can be.

I didn't get my bit toe to hit in Eagle today, so that was a minor step back.  But I also had a minor breakthrough:  in Locust, I got my elbows to touch for the first time.  I can see how keeping them closer might increase my leverage someday, and make it easier to push further up.  But something is going to have to open up in my back first before I can take advantage of that leverage.

Balancing was not good.  I was fine on my left leg, but had trouble holding balance on my right leg.  I think cold feet from the snow may have had something to do with this.

Otherwise class was pretty standard.  The big achievement today was showing up.  Also, for the first time I brought an extra towel and showered there.  Until recently, I thought the shower there would be pointless, because I couldn't stop the sweating that fast.  For some reason, that doesn't seem to be as much of an issue any more.  And it was really nice to be able to go home dressed as a human being.

150/175

10:30 am with Miranda

Today's class was as good as Sunday's was bad.  Heat and humidity were a perfect 105/40.  The energy was good and I felt strong throughout.

Miranda gave a few hands on corrections that were illuminating.  In the first forward bend, she started to push back on my knees while telling me to roll forward.  The feeling was a bit different than when I do it on my own.  I could feel more in my back and in the middle of my hamstrings.  I had never really rolled forward properly before, I guess.  

I thought I was doing it.  It's pretty easy to fool yourself into thinking you are doing something when you really are not.  That is one lesson I learn again and again from doing this Yoga.

In one of the situps, she came over and pushed down on my knees while I was sitting up.  When I sat up, she gave me a look that said "You see, you can do that."  And for the rest of the sit-ups, I did do it on my own.  It's so easy to let the knees bend in the sit-ups, but its also a point where I really do have control.  So no excuses from this point on.

And she pushed my hips onto my heels in Half Tortoise.  She's done this before, but I've made some progress in this pose, and it changed what she was doing.  Basically,  I realized how far I have to go still in this pose.  My head was barely on the floor, and there was an awesome stretch through my upper back and shoulders.  I can still feel the aftermath of that stretch.  The feel of this pose varies so much from day to day.  Sometimes, its like a pure rest, and other times I can get a big stretch out of it.  I haven't figured out quite what makes the difference, and today I found out how much more work there really is to do in this pose.

Balancing was pretty good, especially Standing Head to Knee.  My right leg still wants to come out of a full locked position, but there's some improvement.  Balancing Stick was really good.  Miranda stressed leaning back before going into the pose, and then concentrating mostly on lifting the leg, and letting the upper body follow.  I hadn't heard this before, and it seemed to make a difference.

All in all, it was a great class.  Oh, and I almost forgot.  My big toe touched the back of my leg in Eagle.  It's a minor breakthrough, but very satisfying.

149/173

Saturday 9:30 am with Amy

Sunday 2:30 pm with Miranda

Saturday morning class was just about perfect.  Other than that, I hardly remember a thing about it.  I remember getting my head on the floor in Fixed Firm.  Other than that, I'm pretty much drawing a blank.  But I know I was really with it, and I felt good during class and great afterwards.  That is enough.

Today's class couldn't have been more different.  Unfortunately, I remember just about every moment, every painful moment.  We started out at 85 degrees and 60 % humidity.  It was so cold that Miranda took us through a stretching routine she does to warm up.  That part was fun, but class started over 20 minutes late as a result.  That wasn't that big a deal.

Gradually the room got hotter, eventually to 99 degrees.  And the humidity never went below 58%.  I did really well to start with, and then around Standing Bow I started to run out of air.  Sometimes it really is the humidity.  And of course, on Sundays, I don't eat before class, and that probably didn't help.  By Triangle, I was pretty beat, and I dropped my arms between sides, so I went down.  Then I went down again in the next pose.  And then, I even felt like going down in Tree pose, but resisted.

I figured floor series would be better, but it was even more humid on the floor.  The only thing I skipped on the floor was a set of Locust, because I needed a bathroom break.  Or maybe I just wanted to escape.  After Locust, things went back to being merely painful.  

To top it off, I've had a low grade headache since class.  Maybe I'm getting sick, but this class will go down in the Pantheon of nightmarish classes.  It was right up there with one of Zeb's torture sessions, or the class with Lenette where I pretty much collapsed, or the second advanced class where I was out for the count for the last 20 minutes.  But there's no lasting damage, and I think I may have actually learned a few things about the poses, and about warming up.  So the class was really hard and painful, but not in any way a loss.

147/171 - No Balance

6:30 pm with Miranda

I don't know why, but I could not stand on one foot today.  Well, I do sort of know why.  I played with the dogs before class, and it was pretty cold out.  And the ground was wet.  So I started class with very cold feet and hands.  They didn't burn, like the last time.  Instead, when we started Eagle, I started to get cramps in the outsides of each standing foot.  Not so bad that I had to hop around or anything, but bad enough to completely throw off my balance.

By Standing Bow, it got comical.  I was about as bad as I was in the first couple of weeks of class.  Not overall, but I fell out about every 5-10 seconds or so.  The best thing I can say is that I didn't give up, and I didn't get mad at myself or frustrated.  And that is a major difference between now and when I first started.  Then, I constantly got mad and frustrated with myself, particularly in the balancing poses.

The best parts of class today were Fixed Firm and Rabbit.  In Fixed Firm, I felt like I could have gone all the way down in second set.  I still didn't push it, but I'm pretty near to where I was before I hurt my knee.  In Rabbit, I got into what felt like a pretty deep position.  It's really hard for me to know with this pose, but it felt better than usual, and my breathing was good in the pose.

I got confirmation today of Bikram's close call in Mumbai.  He was with his wife and several of the yoga champions to open a new studio there.  They stayed at the Taj Mahal Hotel, and left the building to go out for food or a drink only ten minutes before the terrorist attack.  A few minutes the other way and the chances are pretty good that some or all of them would now be dead.  Thankfully, they are all fine.

146/169

Tues. 10:30 am with Miranda

Wed. 10:30 am with Miranda

There's a funny thing about morning classes.  I'm less flexible during classes, so while doing it, I feel less sense of accomplishment.  In the evening classes, I tend to go much deeper into the poses, and that's always nice.  But afterwards, I feel like I've gotten more benefit from the morning classes.  Not just from the energizing effect that lasts the rest of the day, but also simply in the way my body works.

The room conditions the last two days were very different.  Yesterday, it was cold and humid.  Class started at 92 degrees and got up to about 102.  Humidity never dropped below 45%.  That usually bodes ill for me, and yesterday was no exception.  I almost had to sit out a set at the end of standing series, and was suffering through some of the floor series.  Today, it was hotter but dry.  We started at about 102 and it got up to 107, but the humidity was only around 35% at the maximum.  And those differences made class so much easier.  Plus, I came into class today determined to try to really focus on Miranda's voice, and to push everything else out of my mind.  I think that helped speed things along, and made for a better class all around.

I don't have much to say about the postures in either class.  Balancing series were OK.  I'm pretty much falling out once per part in these, and sometimes making it all the way through.  Back strengthening was about par for the course.  Fixed Firm is slowly improving.  I can go back on my elbows when I want now, and am even thinking about lowering my head to the floor a bit.

In terms of the poses, it seems like the biggest improvement I could make now is to increase the flexibility in my butt and hamstrings, especially on the left side.  Pushing this too hard, however, is fraught with danger.  Most of the people who hurt themselves (including my own sciatic problem), do it by pushing the forward bends too hard.  So, instead, I'm trying to learn patience and persistence.  The persistence part doesn't seem to be that much of a problem.  The patience lesson is a harder one to learn.

144/166

2:30 with Miranda

Full class today.  I was in the back row in the middle.  For almost the full standing series, Miranda was directly in front of me and I had no view of the mirror.  That's pretty much a first, and it interfered less than I would have supposed.  I couldn't see a thing in Half Moon, but I think I was pretty much on target anyway.  Standing Head to Knee was where it was the worst.  I've grown accustomed to focusing on my standing knee.  Without that reference point, I could still stand and lock the knee, but for some reason I couldn't kick out and hold my balance for long.  For the rest of the series, including Standing Bow, not being able to see myself didn't have much of an impact at all.  I made it through two parts of Standing Bow, and here I think not being able to see myself might actually have helped some.

Floor series was very good today.  I felt really strong in the back strengthening series.  I focused on stretching outward with my legs in Locust, and I think it might help.  Rabbit and Camel were very good, especially Rabbit, which is definitely a pose that comes and goes for me.  And I must be doing something right on the final stretch now.  I'm working on flexing the feet and locking my knees, and it really hurts even before the stretch starts.  I'm assuming at some point that intense stretch behind the knees will start to feel more normal.

All in all, for a Sunday class with no food beforehand, it went very well.  I'm not having stamina or breathing problems at all.  My focus, overall, is pretty good.  I could still be a bit more still getting into Savasanas.  And on a day like today, I actually was enjoying the time in class.  I'm still a bit hung up on progress, or the lack of it, but when I can put that out of my mind, everything is just fine.

143/165

Wednesday off.

Thursday Thanksgiving! and off.

Friday 2:30 pm with Miranda

Saturday 9:30 am with Amy.

I took two days in a row off for the first time since Hurricane Ike.  I felt great, except the Thanksgiving feast gave me a headache.  I didn't drink much -- one beer and a small glass of champagne.  So I'm blaming it either on the turkey (which was my own doing, and delicious), or just on general overeating. 

The headache stayed with me through Friday morning and up to class, so I was a bit concerned about how I would do in class.  By Standing Bow, the headache was gone.  After class, it stayed away, and then came back slightly after a couple of hours.  But nothing like it was in the morning.  Add another item to the list of Bikram benefits:  it can cure some headaches.  I was especially surprised that it had that effect since I basically ate nothing before the class.

When Friday class started, my head hurt so much that I had a little trouble staying balanced on two feet.  I decided to hold back some in Standing Head to Knee, and made it in the first position (grabbing the foot and locking the standing knee) for the full first set.  Then I made it kicking out through the full second set.  So much for balance problems.  Standing bow was good as well. 

 The rest of yesterday's class was sort of a blur.  The one thing I distinctly remember was Miranda pulling back a bit on my hands in Half Moon, and then putting her knuckles into my spine just below the shoulderblades.  This had me slightly arch the back backwards, and it did let me go further into the pose.  Now I'm trying to recapture the same feeling on my own.

Today's class was very ordinary.  Balancing was not good.  I fell out a bunch in all of my poses.  Then I had a pretty good Separate Leg Forward Stretch, a very good Triangle, and then I lost it in the first set of Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee and had to sit out for a set.  My legs were tighter than usual, and getting into the pose was harder on my balance and I was having trouble keeping my breath.

The last two classes with Amy, she has called me out on not locking my elbows in the first backbend.  It's odd, because this is something that I would say that I work on.  But apparently not enough, because when she calls me out I can improve it.  Locking the elbows makes the bend feel even more funky and insecure.  That's part of what the "don't be afraid" command in that pose addresses.  Without being able to see, its very hard to know for sure if I'm getting this one right.  Now it looks like the answer is:  if I feel OK, then I'm doing it wrong and I should try to stretch my arms out more and really lock the elbows.

Here's the funny thing:  a few weeks ago, I obsessed over my knee, over my sciatic pain.  The petty little injuries gave a focus to my practice.  Now, I'm pretty much injury free.  I feel a little tightness in the hamstrings, but its not even close to an injury.  And as a result, I'm thinking that my practice lacks a real focus.  In an odd way, the injuries may have been a blessing.  They gave me something specific, and very real, to work on.  I still, for some reason that is probably wrongheaded, feel like I need something more specific to work on, but anything I might choose seems a bit arbitrary.  Next month, Amy is going to start a program geared towards next year's Texas Asana Competition.  Maybe concentrating on that will fill the gap (a gap that probably shouldn't be there).

141/161

Wednesday 8:30 pm with Amy

It's been awhile since I saw Amy.  Her little girl came down with pneumonia, had a fever that reached 105, and went to the hospital twice for it.  During that time, her boy got a fever of 104, and she and her husband also got sick.  So she's had a really bad couple of weeks, and seemed to be really happy to be doing something other than attending the sick. 

Class was good and hot.  We finished at 107 and 40% humidity, and it had probably already come down a degree or two by that time.  Often, that kind of heat will knock me out of a pose or maybe two.  Instead, I was pushed to the very edge at the end of standing series, but held on.  I lost my breath after the second set of Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee, but there's no point in sitting out Tree pose since its basically a resting posture anyways.

Balancing Series was very good.  I fell out of Standing Head to Knee twice, but my kicking out was better than its been recently.  I was concentrating on flexing back my kicking foot, and the difference was noticeable.  I made it all through the full second set of Standing Bow.  Amy doesn't talk during the second set of this pose, and it makes it much easier to concentrate.  When the dialogue is going on, its hard not to measure how much time is left by the progress of the dialogue, and I think that that alone is a pretty big distraction.  It's too easy to think "I'll never make it"  and fall out, when it might have been possible to make it.  Or to push hard as the last words are coming up, only to lose the pose.  With silence, it seems much easier to fall into a state where there is just your image in the mirror, your breathing, and that slightly burning stretching feeling.

Sit-ups today seem much improved.  My head still doesn't hit my knees, but its getting close.  Now I've noticed that my knees come up a little bit as I'm coming forward, and I'm going to concentrate on keeping them nailed to the floor.

In the floor series, the good news came in Locust.  In first set, we got to the last part and Amy started heaping praise on how far I went up.  She said it was "awesome", and said "you go away for a little while, and its just amazing to see the progress people make while your gone"  I would not have said my Locust was anything special, or even very good for me.  It's really nice to know that a mediocre Locust still shows that sort of improvement.  I don't get breakthroughs very often any more, so I really appreciate this kind of feedback, especially on the poses that I can't see.

A while back, Amy was in a class that Cisco taught where he made us do the second set of Blowing In Firm at almost a machine gun fire pace.  The clapping sounds to me like its about 144 breaths a minute, or maybe a little faster.  Amy has taken to doing the same thing in her classes and she has joked about it with me a couple of times.  For the first time, I kept pace for the entire set, without having to gasp or slow down.  And when it was over, I basically fell off my knees laughing.  When I started, just doing the slow first set was pretty much impossible, so keeping up this ridiculous (and it really is ridiculous) speed felt something like a triumph.

140/160

Tuesday 6:30 pm with Miranda

Another good class.   I had my best balancing series in a while.  I made it through all four parts of Standing Head to Knee without falling out.  I had to come out of the kicking out part of it from time to time, but instead of falling when I went to far, I managed to pull myself back to the first position.  Standing Bow was not as good, I fell out three out of the four parts.  I'm falling here because the stretch, either in my standing leg or in my shoulder, becomes too intense.  So I think that's probably a good sign.  And Balancing Stick was good:  no hopping and I didn't fall out.

The rest of class went very smoothly.  No real high or low points.  I only went back on my elbows in the second set of Fixed Firm.  The slightest change in the angle of my feet seems to make a huge difference, and I'm really trying to get them pointed straight back to the wall.  Because of the difference that angle can make, I think it might be hard to judge progress in the pose just on how far back I go.  Today, I may have done better than yesterday, even though I didn't go back as far, because I think my feet were straighter.

This idea makes me wonder how many poses have the same sort of issue.  And my guess is that they probably all do.  I know that you can feign progress in half moon by compromising your grip, arm position, and the stretch up before leaning to the side.  And how far the hips come up in Rabbit can vary alot based on subtle differences in the head position, and also on where you grab your feet and how tightly you bring your ankles together.  I could probably go on for another half dozen postures or so where I've noticed the large effect that a small change in the set-up can make.  And I don't even know all that much about the postures yet.  So maybe I should start talking more about my progress in terms of form instead of depth?

I've noticed the same thing about the Final Stretch.  It's much, much harder when I concentrate on keeping my feet together and really engaging my quads while locking my knees.  I've been working on this recently, and it limits how far forward I can come.  So there is an apparent lack of depth from doing this pose with better form.  But the burning sensation in the back of my knees, my hamstrings and my hips, tells me that this is the right way to do this pose.  The lesson in this is that sometimes moving forward actually appears like moving backwards.

139/159

Saturday 9:30 am with Danielle

Sunday Off

Danielle is our brand new teacher.  She just came back from teacher training in Mexico, and Saturday's class was her second.  She did really well.  Her timing was perfect.  She kept the heat just right.  She didn't seem nervous, except at a couple of points when she might have been trying to remember whether to say right or left.  I think she's going to be a very good teacher.

Students don't get to see the dialogue itself, and most teachers start to vary things up on their own with time.  So one of the nice things for me about this class was that it was a fresh exposure to about as pure a form of the dialogue as I am likely to hear.  It's really quite amazing how effective the pure dialogue is.  It doesn't need elaboration or adornment to make for a very strong class -- even with it's broken English ("your exactly head on your knees"), and its absudities ("360 degree backbend for gravitation").

As for the class itself, the energy was high and I did well for a Saturday morning.  Balancing was pretty good.  I fell out of each part, but only once and very late into the set.  Triangle and Standing Separate Head to Knee were both strong.

The high point of the class was Fixed Firm.  I went back on my elbows in both sets.  That's the first time I've done that in a very long time.  I'm not going to push too fast to get all the way back.  I want to make sure my butt is firmly planted on the ground first.  But this is a really good sign that my knee is healing. 

And Toe Stand is also getting a bit better.  I have a hard time holding the squat on my left leg still, but I'm just barely managing it.  The good news is that its no longer scary to go down on that leg.  I have confidence that my knee is not simply going to break.

I missed blogging this weekend because the internet was down.  And I took Sunday off.  I was going to go at 8:30 this morning, but it now looks like it will be 6:30 pm or nothing. 

138/157 A Hot One

6:30 pm with Miranda

We started at about 104 and 45% humidity, and it just kept getting hotter.  At Camel, Miranda opened the door to let in some cool air, and it still got hotter.  I don't know where it peaked, but my guess is somewhere around 107, and the humidity never went down.  It started to get to me in the floor series, but I tried to stay focused and dealt with it pretty well.

On the good side, I was much more flexible than recently.  Rabbit seemed especially easy.  And I got deeper into the left side of the final stretch.  I'm not fully extended yet, but I'm much closer to the floor.  In the worst days of my sciatic injury, the knee made about a 90 degree angle in this one.  Now, I can almost get it down all the way.  And I got back easily on the elbows in second set of fixed firm.

Balancing series, however, was not very good.  After a bad first set of Standing Head to Knee, I just locked the knee without kicking out for the second set, and managed to hold the balance both times.  Standing Bow was a little better.  I fell out once in each part, but held it pretty well before falling forward.  And I did fall forward, which is supposed to be good.  Balancing Stick was good, as it usually is when the other parts are not.

This was the first class that I've taken immediately after taking my dogs to the park.  It was about 50 degrees out, and I played with them without gloves.  Then I rushed off to class.  Bad idea.  The first 20 minutes, my hands had to adjust to the change from 50 degrees to 105 degrees, and they were burning up as a result.  It was fairly painful, and it didn't seem like there was anything to do about it.  The grips in the early poses made it even worse.  So from now on here's an important safety tip:  don't jump from an extended stay in cooler weather directly into the hot room.

For some reason the other stupid thing I did wasn't nearly as bad.  I left the studio still in my sweaty shorts and shirt, basically drenched, when it was mid 40s outside.  And that doesn't bother me at all.  Not sure why that change in temperature seems so much easier to take, but there it is.

137/156 A Beginner Again

9:30 am with Connease

I set up in the back.  The room was cold.  It started at 85 degrees and 45% humidity, and probably never got over 100.  At the end of class, it was 96 and 44% humidity.  Lukewarm and humid are not a good combination for me.  It means having a sweat and feeling a little chilled at the same time.

On top of that, I just felt weak for some reason.  And so the entire practice was like I was back at square one.  I couldn't balance at all -- I must have fallen out of Standing Head to Knee 20 or more times, all tolled.  I skipped the last part of Triangle, and a whole set of Standing Head to Knee.  I dropped out early on the first set of Locust.  It was like old times.

On the plus side, Connease gives really good corrections and pays attention to details that I haven't heard before.  She corrected my hip alignment in Half Moon, then my knee locking (right leg of course) in Standing Bow, and then my set up in the final seated Head to Knee pose.  There were other corrections along the way, but those were the ones that gave me a bit of new info on doing the poses.

Even though class was sub-par, I felt really good afterwards.  And I've noticed that before on days when I had to sit out a pose for some reason.  Sitting out means that for whatever reason I've really pushed to the edge that day.  And maybe that extra effort (or what seems like extra effort on days when I'm a bit out of it) is what makes the difference after class.  The implication, I guess is that I should push even harder on days when I've got everything together.

Connease talked today about finding a still point in each of the poses.  She said that you always want to find a point where you are uncomfortable, but still, and able to breathe.  Then she said that often this is a point that sits on the edge between Fear and Ego.  Fear prevents people from going deep into poses, while Ego tempts them to go to far.  So the trick is to push past your fear while not going to far simply to indulge your Ego.  She said it better, and I'm just paraphrasing, but I really like the idea.   

In some ways, I think I probably hurt my knee because I pushed poses like Fixed Firm too hard.  And that was ego driven:  I really wanted to be deep in that pose so I probably forced it.  Now, I tend to ride the other side of that edge.  I'm a bit wary of pushing too hard and may tend to remain too much in the comfort zone.  So the trick is finding that middle area.

136/154

4:30 pm with Miranda

It looks like everyone in town is getting sick.  Amy's little girl has pneumonia, her boy has had a high fever, and both she and her husband have a cold/fever.  Yesterday, Lenette was talking about how she was just getting over a cold.  Another student almost dropped in class yesterday -- also a victim of this cold.  And today, Miranda gave a really good dialogue between coughs and sniffles.

I focused on being happy to be there.  It didn't take as much effort as I thought.  That might be because I like afternoon classes better, and it might be because the heat was perfect.  I'd like to think its because I really was happy to be there.  A few times I drifted away into thoughts outside class, but that's pretty much par for the course.  But there wasn't any time in the class when I started feeling sorry for myself.  Just that slight adjustment makes everything so much better, and its amazing how much it really is under my control.  Of course, there are some pretty serious implications for this insight outside of the yoga room...

Class itself was good.  Half moon was better than usual.  My form is getting better and I feel like I'm starting to open in the chest a bit.  The depth is coming.

Balancing series was mediocre.  I had two really good sides on Standing Bow, with a really intense stretch that I was able to hold.  I had one really good part for Standing Head to Knee, and then lost my balance again and again in the next three parts.

In Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee, I had a choice.  I was aware of the salty sweat running into my eyes, and my cramped breath.  I was also aware of a really good stretching feeling in my hamstring and hip.  Ordinarily, I might just focus on the stinging in the eyes or the lack of air.  Instead, I focused on how good the stretch felt and on breathing into the slight burning sensation in my legs.  I don't know if that made the posture any better, but it made a world of difference for the practice overall.  I came out of the posture feeling energized instead of beat. 

This change meant I was already recharging well before Savasana.  As a result, I think I may have been able to put a bit more into the back strengthening series, and I had a really good floor series overall.  I went back on my elbows in second set of Fixed Firm.  I'm just fine in Japanese Sitting Position for the final breathing exercise.  Overall, a very satisfying practice, and I've felt really great since class.